When Fear Rules !

“ So what can I do for you Meagan, are you enjoying the the on-line Support Group ?”

Meagan responded somewhat cautiously. “ I don’t know how long I can continue coming to group. My daddy would be furious if he knew I was talking to anyone without his approval. Daddy wants so much to protect me !”

This still concerns me. Why would he be furious ? Does daddy have control issues ?

“Well, Meagan, you are here now, so how can I help you ?  If it feels like too much for you, you can stop at any time. But I do have a request that I make to each member of Group.”

“ What is it Coach ? ”

“ Well, Meagan, I have my picture and bio on the web site to hopefully make everyone comfortable in talking to me. It makes me more of a real person instead of just words on a computer screen. I ask that you send me a recent picture of you. The quality doesn’t’ matter. It just helps me relate. Now, if that makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it. I won’t be angry and it will not cause me to refuse to listen and “coach” you if that is what you want. 

“ I guess I don’t mind sending you a picture. Let me think about it because, really, you can’t help me. I mean, I don’t need help with anything.”

Then Meagan began a long explanation, that seemed to be very curious, defensive  and bothersome to me.

“ I mean I do not need any help, I am good and safe. I just wanted you to know that daddy and I have a great relationship and he is helping me plan my future. Daddy wakes me gently every morning at five-thirty sharp so we can go running together. Then when we return from our run, I shower and he weighs me.

   Then Daddy fixes me breakfast and we eat together, he packs me a lunch and drops me off at the University. Most days he picks me up at the Library and we go home to run again. Then the shower and weigh-in and “daddy” fixes us dinner and we talk about my future.  Daddy is a very successful attorney, and he never loses cases. He says he is creating me  in his own image and likeness, whatever that means. He just cares so much ! My life is all planned out. Then I study while he goes to some Men’s Club downtown. Whenever he returns he brings me my vitamin to take to help me to sleep, even when I am already sleeping. He cares so much, see ! ”

My mind is starting to spin  !  I am hearing things that concern me. 

She did not express any emergency or conflict. In fact it appeared to me quite the opposite. She was painting this glorious picture of the trusting, caring and loving relationship with her “ daddy” !   I read her words, but my suspicious mind thinks she was creating this fairy tale relationship for me, but mostly for herself. But I did not question her, rather I tried to make her as comfortable as  possible so she would expose the reality of what was going on in between her glowing adoration of her “daddy” and her reality. I gently expressed that obviously she and her daddy shared an inter-twined relationship that most young ladies of nineteen do not have with their fathers.

Meagan’s father is a bit too involved, but I need more information. Who takes vitamins before sleep ? Even after she falls to sleep, the vitamins were important enough to wake her !  There was no mention of the mother, and that seems odd, but certainly has me thinking ! What about these weigh-ins ? What is this ‘daddy’ thing ?  Although, since she lives in a Southern part of the U.S., this may be more of a custom. Is the father, I mean daddy, just an obsessive-compulsive controlling type ? I bit my tongue as I did not want to overwhelm her.

I mentioned to Meagan that it was all very interesting, and I would be happy to talk some more. She took the bait,  and I wonder why. We set up the next time to talk. 

I left the Private Chat Room hoping my intuitions were wrong. I think she is being smothered and controlled. In any case, I would have to work hard but with all due sensitivity to her very apparent dependency on her daddy.   In time, I would hope to convince her that she might have a female counselor to work with on occasion, since for now, she has not mentioned her mother. I think she will fight me on this. But again, any of this is conjecture on my part, and my suspicious mind at work. As a Caregiver, and I have an obsession with people taking control of their own lives, rather than becoming dependent on the approval of others.

I was surprised to get an e-mail attachment that was a picture of five family members, apparently together for Easter, unless Meagan has a habit of wearing bunny ears at other times. She had their names printed neatly under each person. There was her daddy, Lucius and her mother, Becky. Meagan was in the middle with her Uncle Larry and Aunt Ann to the other side. She also sent a picture of her labeled, me at five, holding a stuffed animal sitting on the edge of a canopy bed.

Meagan appeared to be pale, with reddish-blond hair, greenish-blue eyes, but looked very thin and fragile, not what I expected for a runner. Her nose was slightly turned up and she had what appeared to be some freckles. For some reason, her picture reminded me of Little Orphan Annie from the old comic strips.

Her mother Becky looked very much like Meagan, a pretty woman, slim figured but at the same time looking worn. Same reddish-blond hair and what appeared to be green or blue eyes but with a pasty complexion and dark circles under her eyes. She had a tight-lipped smile. But reminded me of the actress, Nicole Kidman, at the end of the movie Moulin Rouge, when she was ill and dying. 

Then there was daddy. Lucius looked intense. Dark, but graying hair, slicked back, with dark penetrating eyes that could look right through you. In good shape, around five foot ten,  reminded me of the actor Robert De Niro in one of his gangster movies. He seemed to be distracted, even irritated at his brother staring at Meagan.

Uncle Larry was taller, looked to be over six foot-two, dark hair, gray at the temples with brown eyes, a nice smile, and approachable, friendly. He didn’t look to be in as good of shape as his brother Lucius. He was looking warmly at Meagan with her bunny ears. He seriously could play  Brad Garrett’s role as Robert from  the ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’  T.V. series.

Then there was dear Aunt Ann. Much shorter than Larry, about five-seven, a little over-weight and appearing troubled or sad looking at her husband looking at Meagan. Brought to mind the Edith Bunker character in the ‘All in the Family’  TV series, a middle aged Jean Stapleton.

Meagan continued to come to the Support Group not mentioning anything about herself but only being supportive of others. Then she again asked for another Private Chat session.

“Hello Meagan, I want you to know how much I appreciate your positive comments of support that you offer to the Group members. They are working so hard to make changes in their lives to rid themselves of controlling and manipulative people that it can be exhausting, and some just want to give up. You seem like a very caregiving and yet peacekeeping personality and it benefits the Group to have you there.”

“Coach, thank you !  I don’t know what to say, but I can sometimes feel their pain and want to help so much. And I want to say to you, that you are such a  good listener, so easy to talk to, and not judgmental. I can understand why the Group feels safe with you. Even when one of the members has not made progress, you don’t get angry or upset.”

“Meagan, I care about each one of them as I do you, I use to be one of them. May I ask you a question ? You have not mentioned your mother at all so I was curious.”

“Coach, my mother is “Jello”, at least that is what daddy calls her. He says she is weak and needs to get a life, whatever that means. She stays mostly in their bedroom when I am here. I don’t really understand it all and I don’t ask questions so I don’t make daddy angry.” 

Meagan’s fear of her daddy is very real, although she doesn’t realize it yet. I need to go slow with this !

“So Meagan, your mother does not interact with you ? If that is too personal don’t feel you have to answer.”

“ Coach, I feel sad about it but there is nothing I can say or do. Mother and I were very close until I was twelve. She and I dressed alike, went to social events together. It was like she was showing  me off to the people who were her best friends. We went to the Operas, and went to listen to the Orchestra….and that was all very wonderful. But mother and daddy were arguing more and more, and I would hear them from my bedroom. I did not understand what they were saying except one time when I heard daddy and mother arguing and I heard him strapping her. I hated hearing them argue and yell at each other. I heard my daddy say that if my mother could not give him a son, he would take over raising me. That was two weeks after my twelfth birthday, and from that day to this, he takes care of everything about me. But it is all for my own good, as daddy says. Mother was all about beautiful gowns and concerts and going to all the best places. Daddy is about helping me become successful. “

“ Meagan, you mentioned your father straps your mother, can you tell me about this and does he strap you ?” 

“ Coach, oh, ….how I wish I had not said that. As soon as I typed those words I knew you were going to ask me more.  I do not like talking about it ! If he finds out I told you, he will get so angry and punish me more. What if he punishes me,  like he punishes mother ? She gets it much more than I do !”

“ Meagan, I know that this is hard for you to talk about and face the truth, but would you tell me how does he punish you ?”

“ It is not so bad, not as bad as with mother. Daddy demands that I lay  across my bed naked and he uses a belt across my butt until I get all red. He has punished me this way since, well, since I was twelve. I hate it, hate it, hate it. This so hard to say, but I do not deserve it. I just could never say stop ! But daddy says he is just trying to make me a stronger person. He does not want me to be ‘Jello’ like my mother. I don’t want to be jello, but it hurts. I promise him I won’t be like mother. He does not listen.”

“ Meagan, first, you said it was not that bad, but then expressed how much you hate it. Then you try to justify the punishment by saying your father is trying to make you stronger. What do YOU really think and feel? ”

“ I do hate it. But daddy loves me ! ”

Her daddy’s pattern of punishing her, and the fact that she is lying naked across her bed receiving his discipline at the age of nineteen is very inappropriate. I cannot help but sense there is a sexual component to all this, but this is definitely abuse.  He has so much control over Meagan, a sick kind of control.

“ I missed talking to you last week Meagan, but I got your note about changing the date we could chat.”

“ Coach, I think daddy knows I have been talking to you and I am scared ! ”

“ Why Meagan, what did he say or do to give you that idea ?”

“Well, I like the running and stuff we do, but I sort of was thinking, I am not really comfortable with the showers and weigh-ins. Actually, I feel really uncomfortable and embarrassed.   I do not like that daddy is in the bathroom when I shower, and then there I am dripping wet standing on the scale and he is writing down my weight.”

“Meagan, you are a very smart and perceptive young lady. I had a feeling that is what was happening and hoped telling me about it would help you realize how truly uncomfortable it was for you, and I would say inappropriate  for your father to still be in the bathroom with you at nineteen.”

“It was ok when I was twelve, but not really now. It feels creepy, and I feel shame as if I am doing something wrong or bad. I have wanted to say something so many times, but I know he means well and has no bad thoughts, but I am nineteen. When I was telling you about it and saw my words on the computer screen, they looked and felt so different from when I kept them in my head. It really feels very, very creepy and sick. So I told him how I felt, and that I could shower, weigh myself and record my weight myself.”

This is most assuredly the first time Meagan has ever expressed her thoughts or opinions to her daddy. This had to take a great deal of courage on her part, but it will most assuredly bring a significant negative response from him, which could easily shut her down.

“Meagan, what did he say ?”

“ Coach, he asked who I was talking to, as if I don’t have my own thoughts and feelings… maybe I don’t !  Could that be ?”

“ Meagan, through no fault of your own, you may have become dependent on your father’s thoughts, opinions and choices for you. It happens to many of my clients. You may have never been exposed to other ways of thinking, feeling and doing something meaningful with your life. Maybe your desire to please your father, which probably became more intense when your mother dropped out of your life, caused you to become even more  dependent on him. So you latched onto your father’s game plan for your life without any questions. Maybe you never thought there was an option because you were never given the chance to express yourself as to how you felt about much of anything. Maybe you just went  along with what appeared to be safe and secure. This happens to many of us !”

“That’s a horrible thought Coach, but I am thinking maybe  it is true. How do I know what I think or feel ? Is that what he meant when he told mother he was going to raise me in his own image and likeness ? Am I just his puppet like mother is ? I don’t want to be jello ! I think I was not saying anything because sometimes I am afraid of him and his punishments, afraid of this rejection,  but  too scared to live my life without him. God help me, could this be true ?  But how do I know what I feel and want? I said no one was telling me to say this, it was just the way I felt, but how do I know ?” 

“Meagan, this was a very big step for you. You see, you felt safe enough talking to me that you could discuss something without fearing rejection or an angry response. That is the way it should be, and I would hope it could be with your father.  If you really want to exercise every day to the level you do, you will probably be healthier than most. If you really want to be an attorney, you will do well and be a great one. But this is also the time to explore other options. You care about people, which tells me you would do well in many occupations where you offer caring services. You do not have to make that decision now, but have to continue learning you have a voice. One Step at a time ! This can be very overwhelming and I would like to suggest, that we find a counselor at school to help you with this along with me.”

“Coach, please, no one else, not yet. It is just so hard to realize and accept that things may be different than I was taught to think. It feels so scary. I feel crazy.”

“ OK Meagan, I want you to breathe and repeat One Step at a Time, over and over. I will be here for you. I just think, in the future, we need another professional you can trust to be part of our team, you know, the Support Team I keep mentioning. Most good people cannot successfully go against the wishes of a controlling person by themselves. But we will work on this together. OK ? This was a big step for you! You are right Meagan, and you have a right to your privacy and your father needs to respect that !”

“ I have to go Coach, daddy just opened the garage door. Can we meet again tomorrow Coach, please ?”

“ Yes Meagan, tomorrow night ! Goodnight.”

“ Coach, I was thinking about the vitamins, or whatever it is that daddy gives me at night. I don’t like them. I never had a problem sleeping and I have the perfect diet. And besides, if it is a vitamin, why would I take it at night ? Wouldn’t I take that in the morning ? And it makes me so dopy, if I get out of bed I can’t walk straight. I sometimes pee myself a little bit before I can get to the bathroom. So when daddy gave me my pill last night, I did not swallow it and hid it under my tongue and then under my pillow.  I still had the same weird dream. Coach, this is going to sound weird and crazy, but the dream was always the same. Someone was lying next to me and putting their hands all over me, just touching my body. No sex, just touching and rubbing lightly. You are going to think I am a bad person for saying this, but I always enjoyed the dream, it felt good. I hoped it would come again. I am glad I cannot see your face, I must sound like what daddy calls a slut. 

Please don’t think I am some bad person for enjoying this dream. I should not have shared it. I cannot believe I said any of this. I have never been with a guy on a date and certainly have not had sex. Say something ! Please say something !”

“ Meagan, this is normal. I do not think there is anything wrong with having this kind a dream or liking it. Normal, normal, normal. But is there more that you want to tell me ?”

“Ok Coach, this is the really weird part of the dream. This time, without the vitamin,  I woke up during the dream and my daddy was kneeling next to my bed. He seemed very surprised that I woke up and said that he heard me crying and came into my room to see if I was alright. I told him I was just having a bad dream and that I was going to try to fall asleep again. He asked if I wanted another pill. I said no. So he left. What do you think Coach? ”

What do I think !!! My God, is this child of nineteen that naive ?

“ I do not think you need to take any pills except when ordered  by your doctor. I do think if you took the pill you hid and looked it up on the internet  you might very well find out that it is not a vitamin but a sedative. I think you might  consider telling your father you are not taking them. Up to you, you are an adult now !”

“Coach, you think my daddy is purposely giving me something to make me sleep, not a vitamin ?”

“I would again suggest you not take anything, pills, food or drink, before bed. Meagan, if you have any doubts, follow your thoughts and what YOU know is right !”

I think “daddy” is molesting Meagan. This will freak her out ! I think she knows, but is far from being prepared to face that reality. Who would be ?  I think she is too fragile to deal with this. Just have to convince her to go to therapy with  a female therapist. I have researched therapists offered by her University and her father would not know about it. I think something is about to explode…and that would be me !

“ Coach, { she is sobbing and trying to catch her breath}, I was raped.” 

I can tell she is gagging and choking. My immediate thought was that her father raped her ! I should have moved faster !But what could I have done, without scaring her away ? 

“ Coach, I am so stupid. I walked behind the dorms to {sobbing and almost incoherent } to take a short cut, to meet my daddy cause I was late. ”

“ Please breathe Meagan !”

“ These four black guys surrounded me  and they did horrible things to my body. I am bleeding. Where is all this blood coming from ? Daddy is going to be so angry with me.  Oh God, , I am covered with sperm. Coach, I  have their sperm all over my face and breasts. Daddy will kill me. Oh my God !  Blood is running down my legs. I want to die ! God, I want to die before daddy sees me !” 

Not that I am surprised, but she almost seems more concerned about what her daddy will say than about the rape ! 

“ Meagan, I am so sorry this happened to you. Is there anyone there to help you ?”

“ Coach, it hurts so bad !  A campus policeman is here and…and he called my daddy. { I think she is hyperventilating } I want…I want to disappear and die, he will kill me. It is my fault for taking the short cut…Oh my God!”

“Meagan, tell your father to take you to the ER, they will do a rape test and collect the sperm so we have evidence. They will clean you up after they do some  tests and make sure you are OK. You will be alright. This is a horrible thing that is happening to you, but you will be OK. This does not make you a bad person. You really did nothing wrong. You are a victim, and I am so sorry you are going through this.”

{ She is still sobbing and scared to death}

“Meagan, later,  when you get back from the doctor, please call or send me a private chat message. I want to know you are OK. This is not your fault. Hear my words, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I will have the private chat open all night for you or you can call my cell anytime. ”

“ Gotta go, daddy is here and I can tell he is so angry with me. He will beat me so bad for letting this happen !”

The phone went dead !

A few days had passed since  the rape. I was very anxious but wary of what I would hear and the effect on the precious small amount of progress Meagan had made. I was wracking my brain thinking of how I could help her. I do not think she will survive this, not without loving parents, and they both have emotionally abandoned her. Now is the time for face-to -face therapy, preferably with a female therapist.

It was three agonizing days before I heard from her. In my mind, I imagined she had been hospitalized and was being treated for her physical wounds and what had to be worse, her emotional state of mind, but I had an agonizing suspicion I was so wrong. Finally she called. 

“ Coach, can we talk, please ?”

I had to excuse myself from the client I was working with at the moment, but I knew the client would understand as she saw the tears that were already filling my eyes. and my voice was strained. I knew what I was going to hear was not going to be pleasant, as it took so long for her to find her words and her voice sounded weak. 

“Meagan, it has been days. But I thought maybe you had been admitted into the hospital as a result of what you went through.”

“ No Coach. He picked me up and was so angry. I have never seen him as mad as this. He was spitting on me as he yelled. I got into his car, he didn’t even help me. I could hardly walk and I was trembling so bad, I felt like I was going to pass out. He handed the campus policeman some cash and said something to him about understanding what to do. The guy nodded and we drove off. I don’t know what that meant. Then daddy said, I  had spoiled everything he have planned for me. I was  now ‘damaged goods’. No one will want me after this. All his plans for me  will have to change. How could I let this happen ?

I begged him to forgive me.  So sorry daddy !  I am so sorry…. daddy, are you taking me to Dr. Summers or to the emergency room  ? 

Daddy stared at me as if he was looking right through me and screamed ! He was like the devil, and his voice , I never heard that voice before.”

 “ Why the fuck  would I do that ? I do not want anyone to know what you did, what you allowed to happen. Do not tell anyone ! Not your mother or anyone else including your Coach. You were raped by four guys, and you probably asked for it ! You are damaged goods now,  and everything has changed. Damn you ! All that I have done for you, gone to hell !”

“ What if I get pregnant or have some  disease, what if I am bleeding inside ?”

“ If you are pregnant I will arrange for an abortion. I will have no part in raising your bastard child. If you get some disease from this thing you did, then you will have to live with it.  I will take you home and you will wash the stench off of you and then come out and clean up my car. We will talk about it more when I am ready.”

I had confirmation, sadly, Lucius is either a sociopath or psychopath, far more than a narcissistic or obsessive-compulsive personality. 

“ Coach, I have been praying that this is all just some bad dream. But this is…{ coughing and gagging}   my daddy, this is really happening ! I want to die !”

“Meagan, I am so sorry not only about the rape, but for your father’s behavior.  So he knows about me too, but I am not going to abandon you. Your father has shown his true colors, and they very dark. In my opinion, I think your father is a very sick and selfish man. We need to take steps to protect you. We need a support team. We need a counselor.  We will take it one step at a time and focus on you.  I know you are feeling overwhelmed, but, again, you are not alone.

You need to go to the Free Student Health Clinic at the school or to see your Primary Care Doctor on your own. I am advising you that we need to explore a family member for you to stay with. And Meagan, think about this as your chance to take control of  your life and you will make a good life, your own life. I will help you, I hope you believe and know that ! ”

“Coach, you still want to work with me ? Why ? I am damaged goods ! ” 

“No Meagan, you are not damaged goods, that was just a horrible case of being sexually abused. That has nothing to do with your life and what you choose to do with it unless you choose for it to define you. I think your father’s reaction to this whole thing is all about him and his losing control of  his dream for you, actually his dream for himself, not your dream. 

This is just your father’s way of blaming, shaming and guilting you, of owning you and controlling you. It sounds as if he still wants to be controlling you.  You deserve NO punishment. No one should control and own another. 

Now please listen to me ! I will repeat the steps we need to take over and over because I know you are overwhelmed. 

But I truly believe that often the most special people in this world are people who go through things like this and they can become stronger and help other people. They have a goal and purpose in life born out of something tragic they went through, that they learn from and can teach others from what they have experienced. This can be your new beginning. You would be such a  good teacher, support person, or doctor, counselor or an attorney for victims of abuse. ”

“Coach,  thank you. Need to sleep right now if I can. Coach, you think I can be strong  enough to do this ?”

“ Yes  Meagan ! New Beginnings,  Meagan. You trusted him because he was your father and you were dependent on him since twelve years of age. I know you are going through a lot of emotional pain right now, but pain is often necessary to change the direction of our life. You are in shock after what you have been through and facing the reality that your father is not the person you thought he was. Meagan, this will sound like a strange question, but did you ever go sailing ? ”

“ Well, yes at a vacation place we would go to during the Summers at the lake when I was younger. I loved it. So peaceful ! I would love to feel that again. I would stand by the mast and let the wind blow all over me. ”

“ Well Meagan, this is my favorite memory of sailing. What I learned was that you cannot change the direction of the wind or what happens to you at one given moment in time, but you can adjust your sails and win the race, get to your destination, do great things with your life.  Think about it. You trusted your father because that is what we all expect of our parents, but now you know he is not who you thought he was. That is not your fault ! 

By the way,  I named my sailboat Destiny ! And you are still in control of yours !”

“Coach, I don’t feel strong. I feel numb ! I will no longer call him daddy, he is just Lucius. I know it sounds mean, but he has lied to me from the beginning, for forever. ”

“Get some sleep Meagan and think where you can stay and be safe. I will be with you throughout this journey, and we will build a support group of people we can trust to help us get through this together !  Call me after you have rested. ” 

I received the following written at 3 A.M. and sent by e-mail, read by me at 9 A.M.

“Dear Mr. Coach,

“ Stay out of my daughter’s life. I have raised her mostly by myself and I know what is best for her. She is very gullible, so I make an effort to make her stronger. She is vulnerable, so I am training her to be tough and set strict boundaries when people like you come around and attempt to meddle. 

I take very good care of her and I will not put up with any interference from the likes of you.  I understand you are a Psychologist, but you will be nothing if you do not heed this warning. I am capable of destroying your career, do not be foolish enough to doubt that !

There is to be no communications between the two of you, and I will know if you are crossing our path in any way.”

 L. B.”

I decided  not to respond to this threat, at least not now. I felt angry,  and yes fearful ! Damn, do I really want to get involved in yet another intensely complicated case ?  After forty years, do I really need this ?  Then I thought, this is just MY FEAR TALKING, and I will not  let fear rule my life. 

He is not a psychopath, because he is making mistakes and taking chances. Writing a threatening note to me under his personal e-mail address is not a smart move. Psychopaths are usually too cunning and focused to take chances like this. Sociopaths, and yes, I think he is one at this point, are very scary to deal with in real life, but they are vulnerable. And a  3 A.M. e-mail tells me I am keeping him up nights, maybe drinking, but I am getting to him. He knows I am watching ! But that is not enough for him to control his urges and fulfill his need for control over Meagan. All we have on our side is that he will make more mistakes and that will be his downfall.

I promised Meagan I would be there for her, and if there is any hope that she will fight this battle with me, certainly I will be there.  I am also fueled by anger  and inner rage that anyone would attempt to control another through lies and  manipulation, even more one’s own child. I need to cool down. It makes me sick to think this happens so often, and I know that from my clients. This experience with Meagan is part of my life now !

Things could get much worse and I need to talk with her about family members who would take her in as I do not think, no, I know she is not safe.

I would have to convince her to enter into face to face therapy where she lives, maybe at the University and have that therapist be part her Support Team, but first, a safe place.

Early the next morning I received a call from Meagan. I felt emotionally drained for a minute, as I expected what I  was going to hear was nothing pleasant.

“Coach, why is this happening to me. Daddy came into my room during the night and tried to have sex with me. He rubbed his penis all over my stomach and chest. He exploded all over me. It was horrible, disgusting. I wanted to die ! Why did God let this happen ? I felt so dirty and ugly.  I crossed my legs and kept my mouth shut tight. Coach, he expected me to want him and kept saying that I was damaged goods so no one else will want me, but he will teach me all I need to know, he will bring me to “the pleasure I know you want.” God please, this is my daddy…no it is not. He is this ugly man Lucius. How could I not see this? How stupid have I been ?

I have taken three showers in hot water and used all the soap. I even used some lysol stuff  but I cannot get this feeling that his stuff is still on me. ”

“ Meagan, you are brave for not giving in to him. This proves what we have said. He is a very sick man.”

“Coach, I said nothing and didn’t move.  He got so angry that I would not open my mouth or spread my legs and he ran from my room. I think he expected me to like what he was doing.  I felt angry and scared but did not say a word. I heard him slam his bedroom door and then he was strapping my mother, so hard, over and over ! I have to get out of here but I don’t think there is anywhere safe. He will follow me. I could go Uncle  Larry and Aunt Ann’s. I think they will accept me. Would you please talk to them ? I will tell them about you.”

”Yes Meagan, you call them and then pack some things and keep them in your closet. Send me their contact information. I will talk to them this morning as soon as I can reach them. Are you ok with this? I have to tell them what is happening.”

“ Yes, he will never expect me to leave. He thinks I really want this !”

She is still in shock but she is not fighting me on going to stay with her Uncle and Aunt. We need to get her to a safe place and not be alone. 

“Meagan, first I need to ask you if you would consider pressing charges against your father for attempted rape ?”

“Oh my God no Coach, he would kill me for sure !”

“Meagan, I knew you would say that but I had to ask. I am not angry that you won’t. Please understand that. But I had to ask. I am going to call your Uncle and Aunt, and you are OK with me telling them what has happened and what we need from them, their support and protection. I want  to set some rules up  with them and I need your help,OK?

“Yes, what kind of rules.

“Well, that is up to you but I suggest …

1] No calls or visits from your father while you are living with your Uncle and Aunt unless you request  or approve.

If your father…”

“Coach, please don’t call him my father anymore. I do not have a father. I do not have my daddy. He is dead to me. He is no different from those guys who raped me at school. He is Lucius , a very sick and selfish man who  I was stupid enough to believe and trust !”

“I agree with you, except for the stupid part. You just loved your father and trusted him. He created a dependency of you on him. 

So then, 

2] If Lucius requests a visit or call , and if you agree, your Uncle or Aunt must be there. You must never be alone with Lucius !

Do you have any monies or Savings Accounts or Trusts ?”

“ I can’t  think …Coach, I forgot all about that money, but my grandpa set up a trust for me. I have, I think, $ 200,000 for my education and to start up a law practice or business. ”

“  Which grandpa ? ”

“ My mother’s father.”

Then 3] you must have full control and  use of that money without Lucius’ interference or we will press charges.” 

“ Coach, no money is going to wash away this stench I feel.  I keep seeing his stuff all over my body, I can smell it still.  I have been so stupid ! ”

“ You need to be strong Meagan, but it is a huge plus that your grandpa set up that account for you. !  You can focus on the hurt you feel which is immense or realize you have the opportunity to discover what YOU want to do with yourblife now. I know it will seem ovrwhelming at times, but you need to practice saying “ One Step at a Time !”

4] Lucius will not interfere with your choices for your education or career

and 5] Lucius will not verbally threaten or physically touch you. 

And Meagan, there is a number 6, that you will enter therapy, while I am still your Coach, and he must not interfere with that therapy !”

“Do you agree Meagan ? ”

“ Yes Coach, but Lucius will not agree. !”

“Then you can press charges. You and I and your Uncle and Aunt, we can be part of your Support Team. And you will have a counselor who can offer support as another team member. Just let me know how things are going. We need to continue our private chats or calls each week, at least.”

“Coach, thank you so much for helping me. I appreciate it, but what if my father doesn’t obey the rules and  tries to harm my Aunt and Uncle for helping me ?”

“ We will deal with whatever happens ! Meagan, we have another option. We have great Universities in Ohio ! You are an adult now. YOU CAN COME HERE ! So keep that thought in the back of your mind.”

“Hello Larry, this is Coach. I think Meagan called  you this morning. Do you have a moment to talk and I would like your wife on this call also? I know this is strange to get such a call  and you don’t know me but…”

“ Hello Coach. Not to worry ! This is Larry and my wife Ann is on the line too. Yes, Meagan called and told us about you and that she needed to come stay with us. She gave us your website to look up so we know who you are and we want to thank you for helping our dear Meagan. Please tell us what we need to do to help Meagan. My wife Ann and I will do anything !”

“ Well, in a few words, we need for you to help protect Meagan from her father Lucius. She is an adult now, but not really. She cannot do this by herself. Her father, in my opinion, is a very controlling and sadly a sick man. Meagan was raped on her school campus last week, and instead of taking her to the ER or her physician’s office, he blamed her and he took her home to fend for herself. He abandoned her emotionally and blamed her for the rape. Then he attempted to rape her himself, because she was ‘damaged goods !”

“ Oh, wait a sec ! That is hard to imagine, I mean my brother has his issues, but loves her to death. Lucius can be a mean and controlling person, has been all his life. But to harm Meagan  !”

I expected more of a reaction to the fact that Meagan was raped while at the University. They did not ask questions or request details. Makes me wonder what experiences they have had with Lucius’s behavior in the past. Maybe not the best choice for Support. But, time is not on Meagan’s side and I need a home for  her right now. She cannot be alone.”

“ Coach, this is  her Aunt Ann. I wish we had been closer, but I know this has to be devastating for her. Poor dear Meagan. She is so fragile. She certainly can stay with us. It is beyond me that any father would rape his own child, but Lucius, well he thinks differently about a lot of things. And he doesn’t seem to have a conscience. She is a sweet girl. We will do whatever you request. We do not have a lot of contact with Lucius since he can be very difficult to  deal with, so we don’t see Meagan often enough. He always knows best and does what he wants.”

Larry interrupted his wife, “ Enough said Ann, let the Coach tell us what we need to do.”

Larry cutting off his wife bothered me, but I don’t have many options tight now.

I am suspicious that they are not more  surprised, even disgusted and overwhelmed at the information I am sharing with them at all. Maybe they have expected this to happen and know they need to do damage control so it doesn’t happen again. Maybe they are protecting themselves because Lucius has something he knows about them that would be damaging and so they are concerned about becoming targets for Lucius. Maybe they are just desensitized to Lucius’ decadent behavior. Maybe, as much as they want to do the right thing, they are being ruled by their own fears !

“That’s true Coach, as Ann said, we do not socialize with the family. Since Meagan’s mother has become somewhat of a recluse, we only see them at Holidays.”

“Well, Larry and Ann, you along with me will be Meagan’s Support Team, and she will need it ! But we have to set some rules and I want to know if you can deal with them.”

“ I am Lucius’s big brother, I can handle him. “

“ Alright, but this is not going to be easy for the two of you. Meagan needs your full support, our full support. “

They agreed to the rules that I set up with Meagan, but that does not mean they will enforce them !

“If he breaks the rules we must support Meagan in pressing charges against Lucius for rape, as her collective Support Team.

Are the two of you still on board ? ”

“ We are Coach. We can do this for Meagan. You sound like you have doubts Coach !”

“ Well Larry, I am experienced in dealing with controlling, manipulative and sociopathic personalities and their victims. I believe that Lucius has all the earmarks of a sociopath. I need the two of  you to know what you are dealing with. I need  to know that you will be able to stand up to the evil that sits in Lucius’ heart and mind. We must be strong together and support each other and communicate when we feel any dirty tricks are being exposed. Lucius has the ability to turn things around on people with a conscience. He is most likely very skilled blaming, shaming and guilting his victims.”

“We are still on board Coach. We  will call Meagan and make arrangements to move her in with us before her father comes home from work.” 

“ Ok, let’s do it Larry. Call or text me anytime to let me know how it is going.?”

“Sure will Coach, and I will notify Lucius of what we have done and the rules once Meagan is safe at our place.”

I am thinking. these are good people, but they are no match for Lucius or they may already be his victims. Need a Plan  B…find another willing family member to take her in or move her to Ohio where we can create a safe and secure place for her. 

There was no initial reaction from Lucius to Meagan moving into his brother’s home, which would be very strange if we were not dealing with a sociopath. I felt he was just taking his time to plot and plan his next move and strategy. That is what sociopaths do !

Meagan was still very anxious at what her daddy’s next move would be, but kept herself busy making up the school work she had missed due to the chaos of the past few weeks. She had a private bedroom on the first floor, which was spacious and very comfortable as it was meant to be the master bedroom. Larry and Ann’s bedroom was on the second floor along with a third bedroom and full bath. I understood that their daughter was epileptic and they wanted their bedroom close to hers so they could help her if she had a seizure. The daughter was married now and moved away, but they never moved back into the master bedroom. Meagan was getting along well with her aunt and uncle, but no questions were asked by them about the rapes or any of the issues with Lucius. They tended to be avoiders of stress. I wish I would have known that, but there were no other choices open as far as I knew from Meagan as to places she might feel safe. I am trying to convince Meagan to go to therapy to resolve many of her issues with her father, especially now that he had used her rape on campus as an excuse for something he always had in his mind, incest ! He would have control of her, complete control, and in his warped mind, he could justify his truly irrational and sick thinking.

Then the first contact was made by Lucius to Larry. Larry explained the Rules which Lucius would have to abide by if he wanted to see Meagan. They never discussed the Campus rape and subsequent attempt at rape by Lucius of  his own precious daughter, just the rules of engagement. Lucius, matter of factly said he would be happy to pay for Meagan to see a Psychologist to work on her issues. In fact, he had taken the step to set up an initial appointment and gave Larry the details. Of course, I had serious  doubts about this and felt it was part of some diabolical plan of having control of her therapy.

Larry then went to Meagan and shared the news. She was reluctant to respond because she knew somehow anything Lucius was involved with led to chaos, but not having an excuse to not go and knowing she had to please her Coach as far as seeing a therapist, she agreed.

“Coach, I have my first appointment with a Psychologist that Lucius set up for me. I am very skeptical because he set it up, but I figure he will deny anything I say he has done anyway, so why not go for myself, and to please you.”

“Meagan, I share your cautiousness about anything Lucius sets up, but maybe in his sick mind he is trying to look good. I was giving you a few days to settle in before I pressed you on starting therapy. I would prefer you setting up your own appointment with a therapist who works for the University Counseling Service because they most frequently deal with many of the issues people your age have experienced. So if you do not want to see the Psychologist that Lucius set up for you, you do not have to see her, and can set up your own therapy.  If you decide to see this Psychologist and you do not click, you don’t  feel comfortable with her, you do not have to go back.”

My thoughts: Lucius would not set up and pay for therapy without a game plan that is in his favor. If he really wanted help for Meagan, he would have done something immediately after the rape at school. What is this devious mind up to ?

“Coach, I had my first appointment with ‘Red’.”

“Red, Meagan !”

“Yes, Coach, her name is Dr. Olivia, she is a Psychologist with flaming red hair and had her License framed and hanging on the wall, and a copy framed on her desk ! She sure likes you to know how important she is. 

“ How did it go Meagan ?” 

“ It was overwhelming, and I got so choked up when she asked what I was there for that I could not talk, the words just would not come out. My mouth got so dry and and my throat …I just could not swallow. I was embarrassed. She showed no emotion and just kept taking notes and after twenty minutes asked me to return at the same time next week. I am sorry Coach.  I failed !”

“Meagan, no problem. That happens to clients who are holding in so much emotional conflict. I can’t imagine why she would have just dismissed you without saying more, or giving you more time to calm yourself or do some relaxation exercises with you to break the ice  and calm you down !”

“ I really screwed it up. She must think I am crazy. That would happen often when Lucius would say something to me that I disagreed with or upset me, and I would just freeze.”

“Just go back if you wish, and remember, you need to feel comfortable with this therapist.”

As  a therapist we learn many ways to get our clients relaxed enough that we can get past first session jitters. Why didn’t ‘Red’ work to relax Meagan ?

Meagan kept busy for the next week making her room comfortable and catching up with her assignments. She came to Group, but was quiet. I gave her some space. I expect Lucius will never give up his battle for control of Meagan. I just do not know how strong our Support Team is at this time since it consists of the on-line group, Larry and Ann,  me, and hopefully her new therapist, Red. I keep thinking that Larry and Ann will fold under increased pressure from Lucius unless they are willing, along with Meagan, to take it all the way and abide by the Rules we set up.

The next day I got a note from Meagan that her appointment with Red was rescheduled for the next day. I do not have a good feeling !  

As soon as the second appointment was over, Meagan contacted me.

“ Coach, don’t make me go back to see Red. I went to her office today, and she was friendlier. I still cried and sobbed like a baby, but was able to tell her about the rape at school, Then I told her about Lucius coming into my room and trying to force sex on me. First she insisted I call Lucius my father, I was being disrespectful otherwise. Then she said I was hysterical and confused and was most likely imagining my father abusing me because of the trauma of being raped by the boys. I could not believe what she was saying, and I screamed at her, and started crying harder. I could not stop ! She picked up the phone and was talking to someone, and then my father walked in. Red said it was best for me to go home and rest and she would set up another appointment to deal with my post traumatic stress disorder, whatever that is. I would not let daddy, I mean Lucius, take me home even though he said he would take me back to Uncle Larry’s. So he called Larry to pick me up, without arguing with me.  He is evil ! Red is taking his side without knowing me and all that has happened.”

“ Meagan, I want to hear everything he said, so breathe, and take your time. ”

“While I was waiting for Uncle Larry,  Lucius said he  was talking to my best friend,  well my only friend Kathy, and she was struggling financially because her parents cannot afford much. So he is taking her this afternoon to buy her a car. And then he told me that I was not going to win with this little game I am playing with my Coach, Uncle Larry and Aunt Ann. “ You will be home with me soon. I miss you and want you ! “ Then he went back in to talk to Red.”

Lucius os playing the divide and conquer game, causing Meagan to feel isolated, weakening her resolve to stand up for herself !

“ Coach, I hate him. He is evil ! I was so blind. I know what he did to me, not just with his trying to rape me, but for all those years. I have so many memories of things he would say or do that made feel there was something wrong with what he was saying, but then I put those thoughts out of my mind. I just thought I was crazy for thinking those things. And, sometimes I was just scared of the looks he gave me. How could I be so stupid, stupid, stupid !”

“ Meagan, sorry that this happened. Maybe you were blind, but now you see. I have to believe this was all part of the set-up by your father. He must have some control over Red, or bought her off. We will find out and deal both Red and your father. And the game he is playing by telling you that he is buying a car for your best friend is typical of a manipulative personality. He is trying to isolate you, separate you from any friends or support system you have  so you cannot fight against him. But you have me, and I will not back off. We will build an even stronger support system. Every time he plays his games, we need to collect the evidence and use it against him. He feels untouchable but that is only because no one understands his games and tactics, or is just plain scared. Stick with me and we will build a Support System and evidence that eventually will take your father down a notch or two so he cannot harm you. I would suggest you call the Counseling Service at your school and set yourself up an appointment with a female therapist. Please do this. We are not going to let Lucius win. In fact he already lost !”

“ Coach, how did he lose ? “

“ Meagan, he lost you and that will eat away at him at night when his manipulative mind is not running full speed. He is left with a wife who has no love for him either !”

“Coach, I will call the Counseling Center if you say so, but what if no one believes me ?”

“ I believe you Meagan ! And a good therapist will too !”

“Please, just do it Meagan and let me know when the appointment is set. I will attempt to call the therapist when you let me know who it is and when your appointment is set up. You must focus on the fact that you are developing a plan of  your own, career choices and a life. You are not as dependent on Lucius as you thought because you are a smart young lady who has many good choices. You have seed money from your Grandpa. Hopefully it works out with your Uncle and Aunt. If not, there are options. I mentioned Ohio, and I was serious. We have Kent State University, Akron University, Case Western Reserve, Baldwin Wallace, and John Carroll to mention a few.”

After all that has happened I had little desire to call Larry or Ann. The thought kept running through my mind that this was not truly a supportive home Meagan and that her Uncle and Aunt were not emotionally tuned in to what Meagan had been through. They were in denial because of their fears. But, I placed a call later to Larry to let him know what was happening with the Counseling. He seemed disappointed to hear that it went poorly and reported noticing that Meagan seemed down after he picked her up but did not ask any questions. I thought, you Larry, did not ask any questions ? Why not ? 

“ Larry, I am sure this was a set-up. I am not sure how to find out what connection there is between Lucius and Red, but there is, I can feel Lucius’ manipulation at work. “How could he turn “Red” into his puppet ?”

 Larry’s response was, “We were so pleased she was going  and that Lucius helped set it up.”

“ Well Larry, that is just it, it was a set-up. Do you hear me ? You cannot trust your brother with anything. He is a schemer without a conscience Larry, let me know how Meagan is reacting. I have to persuade her to go see someone else, without Lucius knowing.”

The next day…

“ Coach, I have an appointment tomorrow with a Counselor named Mary. You said you wanted to talk with her. She is at the University Counseling Center. Please let me know what you think, but I am going only because you asked me to. I am not trusting anyone right now…except maybe you.”

“ I am surprised you trust even me Meagan, but thank you !”

I made three attempts to contact this Counselor, and finally I got a call back from Mary. 

“ This is Mary from the University Counseling Center.  I believe you requested to talk to me about a potential client of mine. Please understand I cannot talk to you about a client  without that clients written permission.”

I introduced myself and requested that she look up my Bio on my website.  I gave her a few minutes to do so.

“ Mary, I certainly understand the confidentiality issues, and Meagan is not my client, but I am Coaching her. She is desperately needing a female counselor that she can trust right now. It is a situation of vital significance. I  have an On-Line Support Group where I offer aftercare to my clients so they continue working on issues and practice what they learned in their therapy with me. Once in a while , someone who is not a client stumbles upon the web site.  I offer to Coach these individuals at no charge with the express purpose of supporting them finding a therapist in their area. Meagan is one I coach. 

Meagan is seeing you today I think. I will make this as short as I can, but you need to know that Meagan is very reluctant to see you because her first therapist, a psychologist, blew her off and said she was making the story up. I have strong suspicions that her  father had a hand in this.  I am investigating this situation and so far have indication that Meagan’s father may have been  black-mailing her.

However, if Meagan feels comfortable with you, she will give you details. 

If you wish to confer with me, send the necessary forms to my office at the enclosed address.  Thank you for seeing this client. ”

Mary responded cautiously , “ Of course I will see her and listen to her. I most likely will not make contact with you, as that is frowned upon by this agency. But rest assured, I will offer her professional service and care.”

Three days later I did receive the forms to sign for the exchange of information signed by Mary. So, I presume she thought Meagan was telling the truth and this was not some scam.

After her first appointment with Mary, Meagan contacted me. “ Coach, I met with Mary and I liked her. She listened and rescheduled me for another appointment. I was a cry-baby, but she even had tears in her eyes while I told her what had happened. She even did some meditation with me to relax me.”

“ Meagan, great to hear ! Let me know how your sessions progress, please. ”

“ I am trying to be hopeful Coach.”

After her next session with Mary, Meagan again followed up with me.

“ Coach, I think Mary believes me. I think she had tears in her eyes again when I was telling her some things that my  daddy, I mean Lucius, said about my being damaged goods. She sounds like you !  I did not think anyone but you would believe me ! ”

“ Meagan, I pray that she can be part of our Support Team.”

 I sent a note to Larry.

“ Larry, Meagan has had two sessions with her new counselor, and she feels she likes her and more importantly, that she believes her ! Hopefully this will lift Meagan’s spirits. Let me know what ups and downs you see emotionally with Meagan over the next couple of days.”

“ Coach, sure will !  I am hopeful for our dear Meagan.”

“ Larry, anything from Lucius ?”

“No Coach, not a word !”

“ That concerns me, but whatever. He has to be plotting and planning so be on your guard. Remember, the primary goal is to protect Meagan !”

I received a short note from Mary, which surprised me as I thought she was closed to the idea of communicating.

“ Meagan says she calls you Coach, so if you don’t mind, I will do the same. I just wanted you to know that Meagan and I are working through things. She is sharing  so much. The sessions are very emotional for her, and I have to say, me too.  It is hard to believe she was so naive.  But I wanted you to know I am pleased that you referred her to me. ”

My return note to Mary…

“ Mary, I go by Coach with Meagan so that is fine. Thank you for working with Meagan. She is very naive, has much to learn. Wonderful young lady.  I needed someone I could trust  to help me provide for her. You are a life-saver, more than you realize.”

I am excited that Meagan has felt so free to share with Mary and that Mary seems to be handling her so well. I feel some burden lifted having someone else watching over her. But I am still not feeling I can trust Larry and Ann that much. Not that they would purposely do anything to harm Meagan, but she remains so fragile, and I do not know these two family members well enough to sense their realization of the degree of Lucius’ evilness and skills of deception. I continue to feel that they underestimate how sick Lucius is, and what he is capable of doing to silence anyone who gets in his way.