When Fear Rules !

Self Esteem

“Why am I feeling so sensitive to the comments of others lately ?” JT

by on Nov.05, 2020, under Controlling-Manipulative People, Self Esteem

Dear J,

As I mentioned to you when we talked after I received your question, there are potentially many issues going on in your life.

First, your boss, who you said was being more critical of you lately, may be in the midst of anxiety and conflicts himself because the Covid Virus has effected his business. In that case you might mention that he seems a little on edge recently and if there is anything he has a problem with regarding you or your work, you would be happy to discuss the issues as you want to be successful and add to the bottom line of his business.

Then on the other hand, if he shows signs or a pattern of being critical of not only you, but most employees, and if there appears to be a pattern of control and manipulation on his part, you may want to seek another position.

However, in our discussion today, upon my probing your personal frustrations and conflicts, you seemed to be very critical and upset with yourself for the significant and persistent weight problem that has become an increasing frustration. I am betting that the weight has you feeling very out of control and fills your head with self-critical thoughts and potentially leads to lower self-esteem, whereby you are expecting others to be critical of you and to be judging you.

You and I decided to set goals and touch base in two weeks, because I believe if you see yourself taking control of the weight in reasonable steps, your self esteem will rise, your self talk will turn more positive, and your sensitivity to whatever comments you hear from others will be lessened. I will offer you SUPPORT, which we all need, as you increase your self esteem based on tangible evidence [the loss of a few pounds} you can use to fight off those negative thoughts.

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/Emeritus
The Benhaven Group

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Self-Esteem: How you think , feel and what you do with your life !

by on Oct.20, 2020, under Self Esteem

Self Esteem is critical to your mental health and well-being.

We begin to develop the components of our self esteem when we take our first breath and interact with our new world.

Most of us do not realize that a healthy self-esteem can be measured by taking stock of our inner thoughts, feelings and a survey of our actions in facing day to day life and its challenges. And you can take steps to improve your self-esteem, the awareness of our self-worth.

Think….Feel…Do
I often use this overly simple tool or formula to measure self-esteem, and I find it helpful. What you think about yourself in your private thoughts directly impacts what you feel, and what you feel directly impacts what you do in your life, meaning whether you grow or avoid. If you avoid conflicts or issues, or challenges to grow, then you create frustration and negative thoughts…and feelings which further paralyze your growth and self-esteem. Now, the more you face struggles and challenges, the more positive thoughts of yourself will enter your mind and effect how you feel. The better you feel, more more challenges and growth you will take on. It creates a positive cycle of mental energy.

It’s all about mental energy ! If you put energy into taking steps to challenge conflicts or issues in your life, that energizes you, and thereby takes away your potential habit to focus on negative thoughts.

However, the steps you take should be measured, taking one step at a time. As long as you know the steps are challenging but not overwhelming , you will be able to realize the positive energy.



Feedback anyone ?


Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/ Emeritus
The Benhaven Group

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Out of the Ashes

by on Oct.16, 2020, under Controlling-Manipulative People, Self Esteem

This is not about politics as much as it is about human nature, and the psychological forces at play in the development, or unravelling of a society.

It appears that many of us have become apathetic, lazy minded and avoidant, forgetting what it takes to be truly self-sufficient, independent, proud of our achievements and successful as an individual… and as a society.

Oh, there are still some who have the old work ethic, and realize you do not get anything for nothing, that believe the old adage “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. But there is an ever-growing wave of people becoming willingly or unknowingly dependent on others, especially on our government to think and do for them. That wave will grow to a tsunami, as that government, past and present, left or right, seems to be no longer there to serve the people, but instead to control the people so that government becomes bigger and stronger and ultimately too powerful to challenge. Fear takes over and so the citizens deny what is obvious, so as not to have to deal with the inevitable….they AVOID !

Power corrupts, it is only a matter of time. So, many in government see the opportunity to not only preserve their positions, but to grow in personal and accumulated power. Again, this is a part of human nature for some with less conscience and moral fiber to delude themselves, or justify that they are doing the right thing. They know better than we do as to what is good for us.

We are on that path, and it may be irreversible because too many do not see it, or don’t want to see it. Odds are, It is just a matter of time now. Civilizations go through these cycles, and it appears as though we are presently descending into that abyss. However, there is the possibility, if we look at our world’s history, that out of the ashes we will again see a more rational people emerge, realizing that the principles this country was created upon are necessary as part of a moral and ethical compass…and a reality that there is no perfect world or society. There will always be the WORKER BEES, DESERVERS, WOULD-BE WORKERS with SPECIAL NEEDS,the GREEDY ONES and the USERS.
The WORKER BEES are those who adhere to the ethical and moral view that you do not get anything for nothing, that each must do his or her share, must through sweat and tears make a living, provide for their families and prepare to eventually be DESERVERS. We might refer to the WORKERS as those with conscience or a moral compass.

The DESERVERS who have put in their time and sweat as Workers, have made a living for themselves and their families and now wish to retire in some form of peace and tranquility while still being fruitful by sharing their knowledge and wisdom with the next generation of WORKERS.

The WOULD-BE WORKERS who are seeking to be full-fledged WORKERS, but need direction, internships, emotional support and opportunity, and are not looking for hand-outs or a free ride.

The WORKERS with SPECIAL NEEDS who have become DESERVERS, who have the ethical and moral fiber to be WORKER BEES, but through no fault of their own, have suffered ” legitimate” physical or mental ailments that limit their ability to perform as WORKERS, thus needing special assistance.

The GREEDY ONES, who manipulate and control others for their own gain, rationalizing that all is fair in love, war and politics. Many a Sociopath and Politician may come to mind. A lack of true moral compass is a common characteristic. They can lie with a straight face, or even a smile as they deceive, all for their own agendas. The WORKERS don’t see what is happening at first, because they do not want to see the DARK SIDE of mankind.

The USERS, are those who can justify living off the WORKERS, capable but lacking confidence or the drive to become all they can be. They rely on scamming the system, and playing the game to reap rewards without putting out true effort. They are the one’s who feel ENTITLED. The USERS may willingly or unwittingly give up their option to be WORKERS, aquiescing to the short-lived promises made by the GREEDY ONES. Once the GREEDY ONES see the benefit of manipulating the USERS, an inevitable and a very unholy alliance is formed where USERS knowingly or unknowingly, become puppets or pawns.

The GREEDY ONES can amass great power, and can use that power, plus the tactics of SHAME, BLAME and GUILT to cause the WORKERS to acquiesce and surrender more of what they earn to provide support for the USERS. The end game is unlimited control for the GREEDY ONES, until the inevitable occurs. The WORKERS rebel, and the GREEDY ONES begin to self-destruct as 1] they can no longer provide for the ever-growing needs of the USERS who have become totally DEPENDENT and 2] they destroy one another as they compete with other GREEDY ONES for more power and control. The USERS then rebel, and class warfare ensues. Remember the GREAT SOCIETIES such as Rome. The society implodes !

In either case, as part of the instinct for survival, the WORKERS will eventually be reborn from the ashes, and with less tolerance, if any, for the USERS and the GREEDY ONES.

And the cycle begins anew ! Why ? Because on the road to becoming a more evolved and conscientious society, we slowly forget the nature of mankind. In time, there will again be WORKERS who are willing to give, USERS who are more than willing to take, and GREEDY ONES who cannot help but fall into the trap, the cycle of power and control and of feeling they are special and above and beyond all others. Human nature is predictable ! We can pray for enlightenment ! We might even learn from the past and recognize what is happening, but the window of opportunity is short-lived and the tendency to avoid thinking, feeling and dealing with the dark side of mankind is so strong. What do you think ?

Just my opinion, but if we as a society provided job opportunities and training, as well as took major steps to prevent fraud in our programs meant to assist people, we would not be promoting dependence, but instead, pride in one’s achievements.

Is it just me, or does it seem like if the money our goverments wasted would be put into infrastructure jobs and manufacturing, the materials needed to re-build America’s roads, sewers , water and electricity grids, we would have a lot more people feeling that pride, worth and value in themselves and our Country.

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/Emeritus

The Benhaven Group

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Picking Healthy Friends

by on Jul.18, 2019, under Controlling-Manipulative People, Self Esteem

Picking Healthy Friends

Recently I received an e-mailed progress report from a client of mine who is waging a battle to build her self-esteem against a very formidable enemy, herself. Yes, it should not be a surprise to anyone reading this that the one  most viral force that interferes with creating self-confidence and esteem is the grey matter between your ears. 

The way we think and feel determines what steps we consider taking to challenge our fears and to take any steps outside the comfort zone. Too many of us learn to avoid, to settle, to begin to establish early in our lives a pattern of behavior that sabotages personal growth anywhere near our full potential. 

Just ask yourself, how many things have you thought about doing, experiencing, or exploring, and how many of those items can you honestly say you have taken steps to stretch and accomplish?

What has this to do with picking healthy friends ?

Most of my readers, from or Blogs at www.RuledByFear.com are suffering from one degree or another of anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, obsessive worry or compulsive behaviors, and it turns out are MUCH TOO DEPENDENT on what they “PERCEIVE” that other people think and feel about them to feel good about themselves. As a group we are very caring, adapting, sensitive personalities who need approval …which too often means that our personal growth, and therefore our self-esteem is dependent on the feedback we perceive from family and friends, bosses and co-workers, peers and even strangers.

Just to stimulate your thinking regarding this issue, make a list of all your friends and family members. Rank that list from LEAST to MOST important in your life. 

Now, take one step towards stretching or reaching towards a goal that you would like to accomplish. Now, this step should be reasonable, one that you can feel yourself resisting, but not totally overwhelmed by. After taking that step, make contact with as many of the individuals on your list that you can. This will be a challenge in itself as it will be easy to avoid. But, in hopes that you will carry out this assignment, I want you to share with each person you contact that you have stretched to accomplish something you have been avoiding, and that you wanted to share with them because they are a friend. Then, make notes on the response you receive ! 

Does the person you contact appear to enjoy the discussion and reinforce and applaud your efforts ?

Does the person seem to be too busy or uncomfortable and appears to dismiss the issue, or detour to another issue ?

Or does the person quickly turn the discussion around to be about THEM ?

In other words, I want you to evaluate the nature of your friendships. In order to make changes in your life, especially when it means challenging your fears and stretching out side the comfort zone you, like most of us has created, you NEED SUPPORT. 

We are not talking about needing their approval for every step you make, but surrounding yourself with people who are of like minds who can offer appropriate support. 

Some of our so-called friends are just too uncomfortable to discuss emotional laden issues. Some are too selfish to expend energy on anyone other than themselves. Then there are those who are threatened by the efforts to grow on the part of another as it brings up the uncomfortable feelings of what they should be changing in their lives.

Time to explore the health of your support system, and determine in whom you wish to invest your emotional energy. You want your personal growth to be about sharing your growth and supporting the growth of your friends. The more you can LIVE the changes you wish to make, by interacting with others and supporting each others growth, the more successful you will be.

Coach

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/Retired

RuledbyFear.com

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Negative Thoughts…So Destructive !

by on Mar.31, 2019, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks & Agoraphobia, Self Esteem

They often hit in the middle of the night, or just as you are waking up. This is the time when your more conscious mind is asleep on the job of helping you rationalize your way through life.They are like worms that burrow their way through your mind, and each time you allow them to go on and on, they run deeper. They leave a slime in your thought patterns, so then the next time, maybe the next night, the negative and self deprecating thoughts come into your dreams faster and run deeper, eroding your self-esteem.

They often hit when there is an emotional conflict in your life that you are ignoring or avoiding, when you are not dealing with an issue at work or in your personal life that you know you should. You may be going through a health crisis that needs to be addressed and not ignored.

Avoidance of issues in one’s life is a common occurrence. It can bring temporary calm on the surface when you put off dealing with some pervasive issue. But you cannot escape, and should not. As quick as the thoughts are recognized, you must identify the issue. Sometimes you need to get out of bed and wake up the conscious mind for just a few minutes. It is worth it, because you will not get a restful sleep if you ignore the issues.

You must put the brakes on and affirm that you will take steps to deal with that issue, and then upon arising from your not so restful slumber, do just that. Say, ” I know what the issue is, now I have to create steps to deal with it.” Not all at once, if it is complicated, but create steps and take them one at a time so you can honestly say you are doing what you can to deal with instead of avoid.That is what is called taking control. Making a plan.

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/ Retired
The Benhaven Group
www.RuledByFear.com

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It is what it is, so deal with it….OR…Look at my options.

by on Mar.31, 2019, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks & Agoraphobia, Self Esteem

I speak with many people who are experiencing some very real challenges in their lives that they could allow to be all consuming or devastating.

A writer who develops Parkinsons Disease.

A therapist who has a stroke and cannot speak.

A surgeon who survives a plane crash, but as a result, he or she does not regain full use of his hands.

A Tool and Die maker who cannot stand any longer and lost use of his dominant arm.

While these can really be traumatic and life changing events, in some cases the individuals have options to use their talents and skills in some other way, rather than just accept that their life is over.

We all have potentially valuable skills that may not have been tapped.

The writer above can learn to dictate his or her words instead of become tragically frustrated by the physical inability to write or type.

The therapist can create a Blog to reach out to others and share the gifts he has to offer as a therapist.

The Surgeon, even if actual surgery is out of the question, can teach at a medical school.

The tool and die maker can make creative adjustments with his tools and make baby cribs for the baby dolls for kids at some of the most prestigious children’s hospitals .

I have seen each of the above situations with my own eyes and have witnessed a miraculous re-energizing take place with some clients I have had the pleasure of working with over the years.

We all need to explore our gifts, or in some cases re-explore talents that we have abandoned in the past for whatever reason, and focus that energy on bringing worth and value back into our lives, and the lives of others.

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist / Retired
The Benhaven Group

RuledByFear.com

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Those Nagging Thoughts

by on Nov.15, 2018, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks & Agoraphobia, Self Esteem

Have you ever felt frustrated with nagging private thoughts because you have avoided doing things in your life that you always told yourself you would…only to put them off again and again ?

Have you always imagined speaking up for yourself but mostly go along to avoid conflict, only to feel anger within yourself for being weak ?

Do you pride yourself on always being there for others but feel that those whom you put energy into seldom seem to think that you have needs too ? Maybe it is because you dare not express those needs for fear of appearing needy !

Do you find your thoughts at times drifting back to earlier years when you made a few bad choices, and maybe when you find yourself contemplating some change or challenge in your life, those thoughts seem to appear to come to the surface more often and with more intensity as if to shut down any chance of moving forward ?

Do you find yourself dwelling and obsessing over issues and situations that seem irrational, so foolish, but seem to take control at times ?

Are there times when you feel the need to carry out some ritual like checking, doing things the same way all the time, or needing to repeat certain behaviors before you can move to something else ? Does the obsessing or the rituals seem to be interfering with you moving on in your life ?

Maybe this is happening due to anxiety and conflicts in your life. Maybe fear of failure, rejection or embarassment is a factor behind that anxiety or those conflicts. You and I have a choice, an option to really understand the forces of fear in our lives, and to create a game plan to face our fears and take control of our personal growth rather than avoid challenges and change so as to not nurture fear !

A large percentage of good people in our society experience significant anxiety, panic attacks and obsessive-compulsive behaviors that all but rule their lives, holding them hostage to their thoughts and symptoms. They avoid doing things outside their limited comfort zone due to their fear of having more anxiety symptoms. The very aware individuals may see that whenever they allow themselves to dare think of moving forward in their lives, the panic attacks become more intense or the intrusive thoughts grow louder.

As a recent client put it to me, ” I have had a few successful experiences, and they felt good, but then I so easily fell back into my old way of seeing myself as weak, and then feel no motivation to stretch, to grow, to challenge. I want to better my life. I have frequent thoughts of doing more, but then I turn around only to see I am still in the same place I was before, comfortably-uncomfortable.”

In my mind, it is all about fear, and the choices we make, or do not make, which is of course, a choice !

It is a very uncomfortable issue to face, but realizing the degree to which our lives can be ruled by fear is the first step. We can blame our genetics,our environment and experiences of childhood, or other traumas, yet the stories of individuals rising above their handicaps, trials and tribulations, to attain great personal growth and sense of purpose always catch our attention and inspire, if only for a few minutes. However, isn’t fear mostly learned ? So why do some find themselves overcoming their fears to achieve, while so many others give in or use their anxiety symptoms as an excuse ?

I was discussing this with a fourteen year old girl who I am so proud to know, and who never ceases to amaze me with her ability to adapt and overcome, including at one point being homeless by herself on the streets at the tender age of ten, and being physically and sexually abused more times that I can even talk about without still choking-up. Yet just recently, she expressed how very happy she is now and what a wonderful Christmas she had with her new family. At one point she could imagine no future, expecting to die on the streets as every day was an exercise in survival. When on the streets, there was no time to give into fear because it was all about survival. Each day she had to choose to do whatever it took to survive, to find food, to find a safe place to sleep. Whether it was hiding in the library until after closing so she could sleep among the less-used rows of reference books that night, or finding a refrigerator box behind Home Depot that she could drag to some alley and use for that night’s shelter from the cold, she was strong and feisty because she had to be ! She made choices because there was no one to make them for her ! She spoke her mind because if she didn’t, she would be perceived as weak and she would not make it through the night. She did not have the option to avoid, and she knew that being personally strong was the only way.

So she could not be spoiled. She could not allow herself to be pampered, or become dependent. She did not have the option to be comfortable. If she screwed up, she took on the responsibility to admit to it, if only to herself, and then to learn from that experience.

And most importantly, she had a plan. She was going to somehow get an education, and get off the streets. That plan was her focus, and every step of that plan gave her more strength to take the next step. She never gave up her faith in God, did not blame God or mankind for her trials, and knew it was and is about having faith in yourself that comes from DOING what makes you stronger, not avoiding.

What is your plan ?

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/Retired
Blogger: WhenFearRules.com RuledByFear.com
The Benhaven Group

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Pathetically Apathetic

by on Nov.06, 2018, under Controlling-Manipulative People, Self Esteem

” Science may have found a cure for many evils; but it has not found the remedy for the worst of them all, the apathy of human beings. ”
Helen Keller

It saddens me to see how apathetic we have become as a nation. In many cases we have lost our will to speak our minds, let alone think for ourselves.

We avoid dealing with issues or intervening when our consciences tell us something is wrong. We are increasingly afraid to express opinions that might be divergent from what is “politically correct”, and we fear rejection, embarrassment, possible ridicule. What has happened to us ?

_________________________________________________________________________

apathy – definition of apathy by the Free Online Dictionary …
www.thefreedictionary.com/apathy
Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference. 2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Crises, like wars or natural disasters tend to galvanize a people as a common threat is felt and we experience a need to join forces. Look at the recent tornados in Oklahoma and how quickly many from neighboring states came to help their fellow citizens in need.

However, when the crisis is more subtle, not in your face, we have the ability to rationalize and justify it away, to procrastinate and ignore until it is too late.

A person might not want to see an evolving crisis in a marriage, avoiding talking about problems that he or she knows exists, allowing the relationship to wither and die.

An individual may feel trapped in a job that is unfullfilling, even though there are options to make changes, retrain or retool, because he lacks faith and trust in himself to do any better. Apathy takes hold as the person allows his or her fears to rule their life.

And now as we enter an era of big government, dependency is being rewarded, replacing the want to challenge ourselves to greater levels of achievement. The people being sucked into this mental abyss will one day realize that they have given up their freedom and motivation to excel , their desire to see and be all they can be.

Instead, they will be dependent, becoming weaker, with minimal self-pride for being on the dole. Oh, they will eventually see the light, but only when they realize that the Great Ones who promised them whatever they wanted did so only to gain more power and control for themselves. That awareness will be certainly painful, and they will be angry for being duped, but angrier with themselves for allowing it to happen. Power does corrupt, it is just a matter of time.

Such is the cycle of civilizations.

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/ Retired
Blog : www.RuledByFear.com
http://www.facebook.com/groups/ruledbyfear

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Why Are Some More Vulnerable to Anxiety

by on Jan.25, 2018, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks & Agoraphobia, Self Esteem

 Webster defines Vulnerable as : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage.  

 In my professional experience, being vulnerable and the extent of that vulnerability is what makes many of us more susceptible to anxiety symptoms, whether in the form of panic attacks, obsessive worry, agoraphobia or compulsive behaviors.  

If you choose to believe that everyone who experiences significant anxiety has chemical imbalances, that is your choice, and maybe that takes some pressure off thinking there is nothing you can do but live with it.   But, in MY reality as a Psychologist, the majority of us experience these symptoms because we have subconsciously or knowingly placed ourselves in situations in our lives that have made us vulnerable, by doing things or avoiding experiences that would make us less vulnerable.  

What if it is  our THOUGHTS that trigger chemical reactions which then trigger symptoms.  Our thoughts, which are the result of years of thinking and feeling negatively and never learning to deal with people and issues more effectively may be the problem.

Now of course, all of us were developing our way of looking at the world and dealing with that world from infancy on-ward. So, our perceptions of the world, the good and the bad, were developing even before we had reached the ability to REASON.  We were experiencing fear and how to protect ourselves or avoid even before we knew what those terms meant. Many of us developed a dependency on APPROVAL, possibly becoming Caregiver, Conforming, Peacekeeper or Perfectionistic personalities well before the age of six or seven.  Have you ever noticed that the more logical, analytic personality types suffer less anxiety symptoms ? They derive more of their sense of worth and value from what they DO, and need less approval directly from the mouths of others. Just a thought !  

Unfortunately, for those of us who developed a dependency on approval and a want to avoid rejection and disapproval, needing approval is often a key issue in making us vulnerable to conflict and anxiety. Look at your life ! There are many good things about you, but your dependency on approval is not one of them.

Now, IT IS OK TO WANT APPROVAL ! But the degree to which you have avoided expressing your thoughts and  feelings, not taken a chance to try something different, not attempting to take the ” road less travelled ” for fear of upsetting someone or possibly failing, are signs of dependency. Every time you avoid someone or some issue for fear of failure or rejection, you place yourself in a vulnerable place.  

The more you avoid, the more you psychologically beat yourself up. Your self image comes from what you perceive you have done with your life. Avoidance is toxic to self esteem.  This creates emotional conflict.

We CAN do something about being vulnerable ! We can at any time we so desire, begin to take steps to explore where and when we avoid people and issues.

We can look hard at the opportunities we secretly wish we had attempted to try on for size.

We can look at talents and interests we never allowed ourselves to expand upon because we never gave ourselves time.

 We can look at people that we never expressed ourselves to because we chose to avoid conflict.  

We can make a serious effort to  explore issues of avoidance.  Set goals for yourself to face people or deal with issues you would normally avoid. Take that course you put off. Expand your skills at you job so you are not as vulnerable when it comes to finding another job.  

We can take steps to deal with some of the difficult people in our life, but small and frequent steps or bites. The FREQUENCY with which you challenge yourself and your self-imposed limits and boundaries allows you to experience feelings of growth and pride, and with repetition,something changes. Then, gradually increasing the magnitude of these changes,taking little bigger bites and then increasing the frequency of those successes lets the confidence build.  

When dealing with friends, make sure you find a balance by asking them for things instead of you always doing for them.   Even with your kids, stick to your guns when it comes to discipline. Make them face consequences instead of being afraid they will not love you. Otherwise, again, you are vulnerable to their games.  

You need to remember that although you may share many genetic connections with your parents, you are NOT limited or restricted in your life because of anything they have done or not done with their lives.   

The acorn CAN fall as far from the tree as you allow it to.   We learn much from our parents. But if you have the sense and awareness to know that some of the things they did were wrong, then you have every opportunity to make sure your life does not go that way.  

Sometimes we become angry with ourselves because we see that we are giving in to that notion that we are destined to follow in the footsteps of “sick” parents. Maybe we perceive that to be true because we lack faith in ourselves. But the reality is, that the only ones that can really screw up our lives is US. Some people should never have been parents. But if you are unfortunate enough to have experienced unhealthy parents, rejoice, as you have learned what NOT to do.  

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist, Coach
The Benhaven Group

Blog: RuledByFear.com
www.RuledByFear.com
 

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Needing a Sense of Pupose !

by on Dec.24, 2017, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks & Agoraphobia, Self Esteem

I have previously held the belief that people, by nature, want to feel a sense of worth and value to their lives, not just exist, or be dependent. Further, I always believed that people thrive when they have goals, feel they are doing something meaningful and purposeful on a day to day basis. Don’t people feel a little “high” when the have stretched and conquered an issue, problem or challenge ?

I guess I still believe all that, because, everyday in my work as a therapist, I see that most of the clients who are experiencing anxiety or depression report that they feel stuck or trapped in their lives. They often begrudgingly report that they have given in to their fears of failure and rejection and have become complacent. Further, they painfully admit to themselves that they have avoided change, options to grow and stretch.The slippery slope of avoidance can take a person down to the point that he or she cannot see any chance of digging their way out. Avoidance warps our sense of self, diminishes our self-esteem which further limits our ability to change and grow.

How many mornings do you wake up excited about what you are planning to do that day ? When was the last time you felt you were doing something really meaningful in your life ? Do you have goals at work that get your adrenalin pumping ? Do you feel a passion in your life ? Do you feel your relationship with your spouse and kids is where you want it to be ?

You cannot truly avoid the reality of avoidance in your life ! You may deny it to others, but you know. It haunts you in your private moments.

When I sit with most of my clents, what I see behind the cloudiness of their symptoms is often the reality, that somewhere along their life, they lost their sense of purpose.

Out of fear of failure or rejection, or due to the erosion of self-esteem that comes from avoiding challenges to their personal growth, they often do not consciously realize that they have lost a sense of meaning to their lives. They are just so focused on how they feel, which is either anxious or depressed, that they are unaware that much of what they feel is a result of the complacency that has crept into their lives, the lack of intimacy they are experiencing, the lack of involvement in anything truly special for which they could feel passionate.

So, ask yourself, when was the last time you felt passionate about anything special going on in your life ? It is never too late to embrace change !

Yes, I know change can be scary at times. But when you set a reasonable goal to face something or someone you have avoided, and then create a hierarchy of steps to approach that person or issue, each step can help to motivate the next step to be taken.
Nose of
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist / Coach

www.RuledByFear.com

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