When Fear Rules !

Loved to Death: Chapter 6 Damaged Goods

by on Dec.16, 2020, under First Book : Loved to Death

“ Coach, { she is sobbing and trying to catch her breath}, I was raped.” 

She is gagging and choking. My immediate thought was that her father raped her ! I should have moved faster ! But what could I have done, without scaring her away ? 

“ Coach, I am so stupid. I walked behind the dorms to {sobbing and almost incoherent } to take a short cut, to meet my daddy cause I was late. ”

“ Please breathe Meagan !”

“ These four black guys surrounded me and they did horrible things to my body. I am bleeding. Where is all this blood coming from ? Daddy is going to be so angry with me.  Oh God, I am covered with sperm. Coach, I  have their sperm all over my face and breasts. Daddy will kill me. Oh my God !  Blood is running down my legs. I want to die ! God, I want to die before daddy sees me !” 

Not that I am surprised, but she almost seems more concerned about what her daddy will say than about the rape ! 

“ Meagan, I am so sorry this happened to you. Is there anyone there to help you ?”

“ Coach, it hurts so bad !  A campus policeman is here and…and he called my daddy. { I think she is hyperventilating } I want…I want to disappear and die, he will kill me. It is my fault for taking the short cut…Oh my God!”

“Meagan, tell your father to take you to the ER, they will do a rape test and collect the sperm so we have evidence. They will clean you up after they do some  tests and make sure you are OK. You will be alright. This is a horrible thing that is happening to you, but YOU will be OK. This does not make you a bad person. You really did nothing wrong. You are a victim, and I am so sorry you are going through this.”

{ She is still sobbing and scared to death}

“Meagan, later,  when you get back from the doctor, please call or send me a private chat message. I want to know you are OK. This is not your fault. Hear my words, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I will have the private chat open all night for you or you can call my cell anytime. ”

“ Gotta go, daddy is here and I can tell he is so angry with me. He will beat me so bad for letting this happen !”

The phone went dead !

A few days had passed since  the rape. I was very anxious but wary of what I would hear and the effect on the precious small amount of progress Meagan had made. I was wracking my brain thinking of how I could help her. I do not think she will survive this, not without loving parents, and they both have emotionally abandoned her. Now is the time for face-to -face therapy, preferably with a female therapist.

It was three agonizing days before I heard from her. In my mind, I imagined she had been hospitalized and was being treated for her physical wounds and what had to be worse, her emotional state of mind, but I had an agonizing suspicion I was so wrong. Finally she called. 

“ Coach, can we talk, please ?”

I had to excuse myself from the client I was working with at the moment, but I knew the client would understand as she saw the tears that were already filling my eyes. and my voice was strained. I knew what I was going to hear was not going to be pleasant, as it took so long for her to find her words and her voice sounded weak. 

“Meagan, it has been days. But I thought maybe you had been admitted into the hospital as a result of what you went through.”

“ No Coach. He picked me up and was so angry. I have never seen him as mad as this. He was spitting on me as he yelled. I got into his car, he didn’t even help me. I could hardly walk and I was trembling so bad, I felt like I was going to faint. He handed the campus policeman some cash and said something to him about understanding what to do. The guy nodded and we drove off. I don’t know what that meant. Then daddy said, I  had spoiled everything he have planned for me. I was  now ‘damaged goods’. No one will want me after this. All his plans for me  will have to change. How could I let this happen ?

I begged him to forgive me.  So sorry daddy !  I am so sorry…. daddy, are you taking me to Dr. Summers or to the emergency room  ? 

Daddy stared at me as if he was looking right through me and screamed ! He was like the devil, and his voice , I never heard that voice before.”

 “ Why the fuck  would I do that ? I do not want anyone to know what you did, what you allowed to happen. Do not tell anyone ! Not your mother or anyone else including your Coach. You were raped by four guys, and you probably asked for it ! You are damaged goods now,  and everything has changed. Damn you ! All that I have done for you, gone to hell !”

“ What if I get pregnant or have some  disease, what if I am bleeding inside ?”

“ If you are pregnant I will arrange for an abortion. I will have no part in raising your bastard child. If you get some disease from this thing you did, then you will have to live with it.  I will take you home and you will wash the stench off of you and then come out and clean up my car. We will talk about it more when I am ready.”

I had confirmation, sadly, Lucius is either a sociopath or psychopath, far more than a narcissistic or obsessive-compulsive personality. 

“ Coach, I have been praying that this is all just some bad dream. But this is…{ coughing and gagging}   my daddy, this is really happening ! I want to die !”

“Meagan, I am so sorry not only about the rape, but for your father’s behavior.  So he knows about me too, but I am not going to abandon you. Your father has shown his true colors, and they are very dark. In my opinion, I think your father is a very sick and selfish man. We need to take steps to protect you. We need a support team. We need a counselor.  We will take it one step at a time and focus on you.  I know you are feeling overwhelmed, but, again, you are not alone.

You need to go to the Free Student Health Clinic at the school or to see your Primary Care Doctor on your own. I am advising you that we need to explore a family member for you to stay with. And Meagan, think about this as your chance to take control of  your life and you will make a good life, your own life. I will help you, I hope you believe and know that ! We will create a Support Team and they will help you too. You are not alone ! ”

“Coach, you still want to work with me ? Why ? I am damaged goods ! ” 

“No Meagan, you are not damaged goods, that was just a horrible case of being sexually abused. That has nothing to do with your life and what you choose to do with it unless you choose for it to define you. I think your father’s reaction to this whole thing is all about him and his losing control of  his dream for you, actually his dream for himself, not your dream. 

This is just your father’s way of blaming, shaming and guilting you, of owning you and controlling you. It sounds as if he still wants to be controlling you.  You deserve NO punishment. No one should control and own another. 

Now please listen to me ! I will repeat the steps we need to take over and over because I know you are overwhelmed. 

But I truly believe that often the most special people in this world are people who go through things like this and they can become stronger and help other people. They have a goal and purpose in life born out of something tragic they went through, that they learn from and can teach others from what they have experienced. This can be your new beginning. You would be such a  good teacher, support person, or doctor, counselor or an attorney for victims of abuse. ”

“Coach,  thank you. Need to sleep right now if I can. Coach, you think I can be strong  enough to do this ?”

“ Yes  Meagan ! New Beginnings,  Meagan. You trusted him because he was your father and you were dependent on him since twelve years of age. I know you are going through a lot of emotional pain right now, but pain is often necessary to change the direction of our life. You are in shock after what you have been through and facing the reality that your father is not the person you thought he was. Meagan, this will sound like a strange question, but did you ever go sailing ? ”

“ Well, yes at a vacation place we would go to during the Summers at the lake when I was younger. I loved it. So peaceful ! I would love to feel that again. I would stand by the mast and let the wind blow all over me. ”

“ Well Meagan, this is my favorite memory of sailing. What I learned was that you cannot change the direction of the wind or what happens to you at one given moment in time, but you can adjust your sails and win the race, get to your destination, do great things with your life.  Think about it. You trusted your father because that is what we all expect of our parents, but now you know he is not who you thought he was. That is not your fault ! 

By the way,  I named my sailboat Destiny ! And you are now in control of yours !”

“Coach, I don’t feel strong. I feel numb ! I will no longer call him daddy, he is just Lucius. I know it sounds mean, but he has lied to me from the beginning, for forever. ”

“Get some sleep Meagan and think where you can stay and be safe. I will be with you throughout this journey, and we will build a support group of people we can trust to help us get through this together !  Call me after you have rested. ” 

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