When Fear Rules !

Loved to Death: Chapter 4 Finding Her Voice

by on Dec.16, 2020, under First Book : Loved to Death

“ I missed talking to you last week Meagan, but I got your note about changing the date we could chat.”

“ Coach, I think daddy knows I have been talking to you and I am scared ! ”

“ Why Meagan, what did he say or do to give you that idea ?”

“Well, I like the running and stuff we do, but I sort of was thinking, I am not really comfortable with the showers and weigh-ins. Actually, I feel really uncomfortable and embarrassed.   I do not like that daddy is in the bathroom when I shower, and then there I am dripping wet standing on the scale and he is writing down my weight.”

“Meagan, you are a very smart and perceptive young lady. I had a feeling that is what was happening and hoped telling me about it would help you realize how truly uncomfortable it was for you, and I would say inappropriate  for your father to still be in the bathroom with you at nineteen.”

“It was ok when I was twelve, but not really now. It feels creepy, and I feel shame as if I am doing something wrong or bad. I have wanted to say something so many times, but I know he means well and has no bad thoughts, but I am nineteen. When I was telling you about it and saw my words on the computer screen, they looked and felt so different from when I kept them in my head. It really feels very, very creepy and sick. So I told him how I felt, and that I could shower, weigh myself and record my weight myself.”

This is most assuredly the first time Meagan has ever expressed her thoughts or opinions to her daddy. This had to take a great deal of courage on her part, but it will most assuredly bring a significant negative response from him, which could easily shut her down.

“Meagan, what did he say ?”

“ Coach, he asked who I was talking to, as if I don’t have my own thoughts and feelings… maybe I don’t !  Could that be ?”

“ Meagan, through no fault of your own, you may have become dependent on your father’s thoughts, opinions and choices for you. It happens to many of my clients. You may have never been exposed to other ways of thinking, feeling and doing something meaningful with your life. Maybe your desire to please your father, which probably became more intense when your mother dropped out of your life, caused you to become even more  dependent on him. So you latched onto your father’s game plan for your life without any questions. Maybe you never thought there was an option because you were never given the chance to express yourself as to how you felt about much of anything. Maybe you just went  along with what appeared to be safe and secure. This happens to many of us !”

“That’s a horrible thought Coach, but I am thinking maybe  it is true. How do I know what I think or feel ? Is that what he meant when he told mother he was going to raise me in his own image and likeness ? Am I just his puppet like mother is ? I don’t want to be jello ! I think I was not saying anything because sometimes I am afraid of him and his punishments, afraid of this rejection,  but  too scared to live my life without him. God help me, could this be true ?  But how do I know what I feel and want? I said no one was telling me to say this, it was just the way I felt, but how do I know ?” 

“Meagan, this was a very big step for you. You see, you felt safe enough talking to me that you could discuss something without fearing rejection or an angry response. That is the way it should be, and I would hope it could be with your father.  If you really want to exercise every day to the level you do, you will probably be healthier than most. If you really want to be an attorney, you will do well and be a great one. But this is also the time to explore other options. You care about people, which tells me you would do well in many occupations where you offer caring services. You do not have to make that decision now, but have to continue learning you have a voice. One Step at a time ! This can be very overwhelming and I would like to suggest, that we find a counselor at school to help you with this along with me.”

“Coach, please, no one else, not yet. It is just so hard to realize and accept that things may be different than I was taught to think. It feels so scary. I feel crazy.”

“ OK Meagan, I want you to breathe and repeat One Step at a Time, over and over. I will be here for you. I just think, in the future, we need another professional you can trust to be part of our team, you know, the Support Team I keep mentioning. Most good people cannot successfully go against the wishes of a controlling person by themselves. But we will work on this together. OK ? This was a big step for you! You are right Meagan, and you have a right to your privacy and your father needs to respect that !”

“ I have to go Coach, daddy just opened the garage door. Can we meet again tomorrow Coach, please ?”

“ Yes Meagan, tomorrow night ! Goodnight.”


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