When Fear Rules !

What Do Bullies Fear ?

by on Apr.12, 2011, under STOPPING ABUSE

What Do Bullies Fear ?

In one word, EXPOSURE !

There is no perfect human being. We all have faults and have made mistakes. Don’t tell me that you have not had one of those moments where you were daydreaming and said to yourself, “I can’t believe I did that, what WAS I thinking !” Part of our own personal development means we have to face our less proud moments and learn from them.

However, most of us, especially those who are approval seeking and adapting personalities who work hard to please, have a conscience and feel a responsibility to others around us, are especially targets for bullies. The bullies of the world have their own insecurities, usually rather deep and pervasive, which is why they tend to pick on others they feel they can dominate and control. In essence, they are protecting their own weaknesses from being exposed.

Something I have seen repeatedly when dealing with my clients who have or are being bullied, is that the bully almost always threatens his or her victim with more threats of harm or abuse. The bully or abuser has to make sure their victim is told that no one will believe her [or him] , and will use any knowledge they have of their victims past to shame her and render her fearful of exposure.

I have seen bullies and abusers do this even with a child victim. I have seen this repeatedly with male and female bullies and abusers of all ages. What the bully is telling you is that exposure is the enemy, it is what THEY fear and they are using it to frighten their victim so she will never expose him [or her].

If the bully actually realizes that he or she will be exposed, that the victim or potential victim can accept the mistakes or screw ups in their own life and those errors or past faults will not keep her from exposing the bully, all things change.

Ah yes, we must pick our battles carefully, and I would recommend talking to a therapist, minister or attorney to help document your experiences with a bully, but then realize that we have all made mistakes in our lives and that only makes us stronger. Unless of course, you have avoided dealing with issues and needed changes in your life. Then, because of the avoidance, your self-esteem is weakened and you are haunted by the past instead of feeling good that you have recognized and dealt with any chinks on the armor. Not dealing with issues and conflicts in the past makes you more vulnerable to bullies and abusive people.

We have all heard that some of the most successful individuals in our world have faced failures and turned them into opportunities. These people see life as experiences to work through, learn from, and then they move on to use what they have learned to do more worthwhile, meaningful and productive things. IF you do not want to be so VULNERABLE to bully types, DEAL with issues, people and situations you have avoided, learn from them, and grow stronger. Then the bullies have less of an opportunity to target you. But even if they do, the threat of exposure works both ways.

Coach

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist

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  • Diana

    Not dealing with issues in the past makes you more vulnerable to bullies and abusers because your self esteemed is weakened….brilliant observation! This is exactly why I attract them, I have so many unresolved issues from the past that eat away at me and have ruined my self esteem. When I cross paths with bullies and abusive people, you should see their eyes light up and come to life like when a cat spots a mouse. The Bullies eyes open wide and a huge menacing grin appears on their face…it’s like watching instant demon possession before my very eyes. They really do pick up on your weakened aura and it excites and energizes them. Its very unnerving to witness.

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