When Fear Rules !

Tag: sexual abuse

A Victory Over Abuse

by on Jun.03, 2011, under STOPPING ABUSE

What a day ! All in one day I had both the pleasure of hearing that one respected member of society was found guilty of sexually abusing one of the children I have been working after almost a year of eluding punishment, while being reminded of my frustration of another case where a father who molested his own child repeatedly, still roams free because his victim feared exposing him.
Then i remind myself that the noose is tightening around this father as my professional team has gathered information and is patiently preparing the case against this sociopath.

Over the years, all these experiences with children and young adults being abused by family members or trusted members of society has frustrated me, has decreased my tolerance for any form of abuse, but at the same time has taught me patience in finding ways to protect potential victims and exposing perpetrators.

Victims of abuse are Ruled By Fear {www.RuledByFear.com}, and it is a major task to help them free themselves of that fear, to expose their abusers. Often, a victim of abuse, whether physical, sexual or emotional, feels such rage and anger inside that she feels out of control emotionally, and she feels dirty, weak, and stained or scarred to the point that she then feels too weak to face the abuser. The perpetrators often tell their young victims that no one will believe them since the abuser is often an adult in good standing in the community.

On the more subtle side, yet just as devastating, I am aware of parents who are so obsessed with their own needs for fame and popularity, that they push their children to perform to the point of exhaustion, anger and possible health issues. This is emotional abuse, and it can certainly be every bit as toxic to the victim as sexual and physical abuse. I have seen teens so full of rage and emotional conflict due to emotional abuse at the hands of a father or mother, that equal to the need to stop the abuse is the need to quell the anger before the teen strikes out and hurts himself or herself, or the parent.

The bottom line ! Abuse shows itself all around us in many ways. Be alert and aware. Report abuse or suspected abuse, even anonymously to your police department. If you avoid this responsibility, you then run the serious risk of feeling the guilt and pain for knowing something and avoiding making a report.

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Trust…Listen to your Children

by on Apr.17, 2011, under STOPPING ABUSE

Trust…Listen to your Children

How many people in your life do you feel you truly trust ?

“The issue is that we need to get to know a man [or woman] and trust him to be who he proves himself to be. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be and when he is not, we hurt.”

There are people who trust no one, and although they are less disappointed when someone fails them, they live a life barren of emotional intimacy. Then there are the rest of us, who trust too easily, as we want closeness in our lives, in the form of support, approval and a sense of belonging.

I have seen many adult children of abusive and selfish parents wish so much to see the parent change and be more the loving and caring parent they always wished for, only to be terribly frustrated and angered to find that the parent never changes. Now again, we do not want to become paranoid and trust no one, but we do need to realize our wish to not look at the dark side of some people, to avoid conflict and angry feelings, does lead to a premature acceptance and trust of those who cannot be trusted.

People must prove themselves. My experience has been all to often that parents, siblings, relatives, friends, even teachers or other respected members of society who have been found to be abusive, emotionally, physically or sexually have a history of past behaviors that have been ignored, rationalized away, or excused when in fact they were bullet-proof examples of behaviors that should tell us they cannot be trusted.

Look at recent situations where teachers have been convicted of sexual relationships with their minor-aged students. I can site troubling cases where school principals, priests, ministers or coaches have sexually abused kids and yet on the surface, they are praised for their support of children’s causes.

Trust must be earned by those around you and justified by keen observation on your part. To this point, I would suggest that we LISTEN AND OBSERVE our children, taking nothing they say lightly. There are bullies of all ages out there, and we must not only teach our children that they deserve to be treated with respect, but that any time any behavior on the part of another child OR ADULT bothers them, causes them to feel fearful or guilty, those feelings are to be shared with BOTH of the child’s parents. The children need to know they will be heard.

When children or adults are abused, the abuser most often attempts to shame their victim into not exposing him or her, or makes the victim fearful of further abuse and harm. LISTEN AND OBSERVE any changes in your child’s behavior or demeanor. Open your eyes to the fact that among the many good people out there, there are truly dark people with needs that allow them to rationalize and justify some very sick behaviors.

Abusive people are cowards, insecure and needy in most cases. Don’t AVOID seeing people for who they truly are. Like the wicked witch from the “ Wizard of Oz ”, evil cannot be ignored or avoided. When it is avoided, it only grows stronger. While Dorothy caused the evil witch to melt away by dousing her with water, I see the water as a cleansing element that allows us to see the reality of the dark side of some people, and as exposing them to the light of day.

Coach

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist

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Trapped by Fear

by on Apr.09, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE

I remember a situation where a young lady that I had worked with in the past had contacted me again because she was experiencing a set-back where her panic attacks were returning with a vengeance, worse than ever. At first, she was just so overwhelmed and disappointed by her symptoms that I knew she could not even hear what I was saying. But, I allowed her to vent as i knew she needed to, then I began asking some probing questions.

As I listened, I recalled that she had become, for the most part, agoraphobic, very infrequently leaving her apartment. I recalled that she was living near her parents, and due to her anxiety, was somewhat dependent on them financially. She was in conflict with them as they would foster her dependency on them and yet embarrass her with comments that she should be out there on her own. I could see many co-dependency issues at the time where the mother, being unhappy in her marriage, wanted to keep her daughter close.

I thought about past sessions where she would be in such conflict over a boyfriend who was actually very psychologically controlling and was manipulating in order to have her dependent on him sexually.

When I had last talked with her, she had been taking on-line schooling and had an online job, Great steps toward gaining some financial security, but at the same time, making it terribly convenient for her to not have to leave her apartment, her comfort zone.

She dared to dream of being independent. She even cut off communications with the intrusive boyfriend, a huge step after all he did to create dependency of her on him.

Her panic attacks subsided.She was at least feeling some direction and hope.

I could see, as i listened to her, that as expected, her isolating herself had left her vulnerable still to her anxieties. She had become comfortably uncomfortable with her situation, but realized she was still trapped. The job did not pay enough for her to be on her own, the parents were still creating conflict with their mixed messages, and the ex-boyfriend, if one would call him a friend at all, was calling and texting her. In response to the latter, she was not answering his calls or responding to his texts, but she did hear and read his comments. Feeling very lonely, she imagined somehow it might be different this time with him, but then reality would hit and she would remember the pain he caused so often, and how he used her.

However, in her mind, this did not have anything to do with her panic. She was not in that relationship anymore, and her parents were just who they were and would never change.

And then she said that she cannot do anything about any of these issues because of the anxiety and panic. And my response was, you cannot stop the panic until you trust yourself to do something about those issues and conflicts.
The reality was that the panic attacks began again AFTER she started getting calls and e-mails from him. Besides the need to take steps to become less dependent on her parents and her need to have a plan for her life, she needed to trust herself that she would not be vulnerable to this man again. In truth, the one thing that kept her from letting him back in was her PAIN. I asked her one simple question. “If you were free of your panic attacks and any significant anxiety, would you be tempted to go back to him?” She responded, yes !

So, in truth, she was subconsciously creating the panic to prevent herself from forgetting the pain that he created and that she had been so vulnerable to. This is an example of a hidden agenda, a cause for anxiety and panic, where we do not trust ourselves to do what we need to do to protect ourselves, so we use our symptoms, our pain, to create a detour.

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Attracting Difficult People !

by on Mar.27, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE

Sometimes we ATTRACT difficulty people. The adapting personalities are most vulnerable to these harder to please and often very needy personality types.

Why?

Adapting personalities are most often those of us who seek approval, who stretch beyond the norm to help, fix, please or do what we feel “should” be done for our fellow man. Doesn’t sound like a bad thing, does it ? However, manipulative, controlling and needy people tend to pick up the signals given off by adapting, approval seeking personalities, so we are on their radar. And, our problem is that we have a hard time setting boundaries. It is a good thing to be there for others, however, if you do not keep your eyes wide open and your emotional barometers set on “alert”, you miss the usually obvious indications that you are being taken advantage of, even emotionally abused and used.

Yes, open your eyes. You can take stock of those family members, friends and peers who take more energy from you then they ever attempt to replace through similar good deeds and efforts to be there for you. Make a list right now of all the “significant” people in your life. How much emotional and physical effort do you put into pleasing each of those individuals ? Have you ever asked any of these people for help or assistance, large or small, frequent of seldom ? Can you depend on them as they depend on you ?

This is not to say you can not or should not do something out of the “goodness of your heart”. However, stand back and look at how much energy you put out versus how much you are taking back in. Unless you run on air, the lack of some energy returning into your space by those you care about and stretch to assist, will lead eventually to feelings of anger and resentment not only towards the offending person, but also towards yourself because anger makes you feel out of sorts, and in conflict.

What do YOU think ? Is there a balance in your life ?

Coach
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist

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Intrusive Thoughts of Self Abuse

by on Mar.18, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE

Obsessive-Compulsive behaviors can appear baffling at first, as the person reports dealing with intrusive thoughts and urges that seem to make no sense to them or anyone else, yet they feel compelled to respond to those thoughts and urges through compulsive and ritualistic behaviors.

One such case that I dealt with in the past was a perfect example of this confusing, yet strangely logical behavior. This young woman, in her twenties, would feel compelled to wash her face in a strangely ritualistic way, where she would take twenty or thirty minutes to carry out what should be a simple task. Why? Because as she went through what is a normal and natural task for many, she was plagued by the fear that she would somehow scratch, cut or in some way scar her face with her hands or finger nails. Every move she made as her hands came closer to her face, had to be carefully thought out, as she watched for any sign of some form of self abuse.

Yes, it sounds weird, yet I will tell you there are many people suffering from these kind of intrusive-obsessive thoughts and their companion ritualistic behaviors. Maybe some one you think you know very well, maybe even you privately suffer under the control of such fears.

Whether one subscribes to the theory that people with OCD are suffering due to some chemical imbalance, or whether you feel it is primarily psychologically based, my experience has been that there are most often emotional traumas or conflicts at the core of this behavior.

With this young lady, I helped her realize that there was a pattern to her symptoms.
At the times when her intrusive thoughts and urges to scratch and harm her face were at their highest, there was almost always some issue of conflict going on in her life. Not just any conflict, but personally significant conflicts that had repeated themselves many many times since childhood.

As a child, she was bullied and made fun of incessantly, and her response to all this emotional abuse was to either shrink into her private little world, or after a time and some build up, explode with anger. Both the withdrawal and emotional explosions caused her to feel very out of control emotionally.

When she avoided dealing with the bullies, she felt weak and angry not just with the abusers, but with herself. Self hatred became a part of her private thoughts.

When she would finally explode with anger at the abuser, she felt just as out of control, and therefore her self esteem and self talk was further in the dumper.

Later in life, when she did get a job, the pattern continued. She worked hard to gain approval, over-extending herself many times over hoping for that pat of the back and hopefully a promotion or raise. However, her apparent meekness allowed her to be a target of bosses who would take advantage of her, make promises that were never kept.

She needed to take steps to not be so vulnerable to their games. Otherwise, the anger would build as she felt weak or then she would have a blow-out.

We worked to help her realize that her OCD had a source for sure on the emotional side, so we focused on her taking steps to put herself in a less vulnerable position. She did great work, got very good write-ups, but now was taking those write-ups to other potential employers. She was working to see that she was a valuable person in her field. All her efforts to please had made her a very knowledgeable and capable individual in her career. Once her employer heard through the grapevine that she was looking elsewhere, he began treating her with more respect. He promised her a promotion as soon as the next batch of new positions was posted. I advised my client to post for those jobs, but continue to search on the outside, and let it be known in a quiet way, that she was looking for the best opportunity.

The more she was able to keep her momentum going, working hard but searching for other employment, the better and more in control she felt. The more she took steps to not be vulnerable to her bosses games, the less anger and resentment she felt because she was not cowering to her boss. There were no explosions of anger because she knew she was taking steps to take care of herself. The more she felt in control of her emotions, the weaker and less frequent her fears or self abusing her face came to the surface.

The point is that much of the Intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior were symbolic manifestations of her true life anger and resentment towards those who would abuse her and toward herself for allowing it.

It will take time to gain full control of the OCD, as the fears run deep and the tendency to fall back into avoidant behavior is strong. However. with growing and consistent effort, she can gain control. Medications can be used to help subdue some of the obsessive thinking, but the real need to is realize and deal with the source issues and conflicts.

Coach
Gene Benedetto
Psychologist

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The Evil Dark Side

by on Mar.06, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE

The Evil Dark Side

Some of you have written to me in response to my articles about the young homeless girl that I now treasure as a friend, and yes, admittedly, have taken on the roll of a grandfather, wanting to teach, and guide, and keep her safe.

I listen to her as she shares with me the struggles and conflicts she has, wanting to be loved, wanting a family, wanting to be safe and yet being afraid that she is getting soft, and if not wanted, if not a “keeper”, how much more vulnerable she will be if she finds herself back on the streets. I feel her fear, and sense her tears as she fights the competing forces that try to tell her that she must just accept who she is. But she is truly strong and has jumped many hurdles including a first family placement who failed her.

She will never be back on the streets, because she has connected with a few loving people, a new family and me. But, her struggles and fears have enlightened me.

Those struggles have caused some of you to say to me, “ My issues are so small compared to this child’s .”

My response to that is that as much as she endured, as much as she faced the evil dark side of mankind, she survived because she dared to see a choice.

Choices create conflict, don’t they ? It was not until she, and you, realized there were choices, options to change your life, that the real anxiety and fears hit. It was her taking a risk to contact me through our web site’s chat room, her expressing to me the want to feel love and be safe that she ventured one step out of the dreadful life that she seemed destined to before. So, it is when you realized that you were not happy, just ‘comfortably uncomfortable’ with some significant aspect of your life that you really felt the anxiety symptoms hit a peak.

We can only ignore needs so long, we can only adapt so far to please others, before we realize we are not happy, just settling.

And it is not an easy path, allowing yourself to love yourself, taking better care of yourself, setting boundaries with those who would hurt you with words or deeds, those who would control and manipulate you seeing that your need for approval makes you vulnerable to their games.

As a grandpa, I want to protect those I love, but as much, I want to teach them how to protect themselves, how to set those boundaries, how to never be vulnerable to the games of the dark side, and how to respect themselves, and those who prove they can be trusted. As a therapist, I have a similar goal with my clients.

So although some of you have written that your issues seem to pale in comparison to this very very special person in my life, I appreciate that your conflicts are sources of pain for you, and your struggle is as important to you as hers is to her. At the heart of it all is self-esteem. You must be proud of the fact that you are not avoiding that which stands in the way of you becoming the person you wish to be.

So I tell my new grandchild, as i tell you, do not stop dreaming of how you want life to be, but be willing to take the steps, as scary as they can be at times, to make those dreams come true. It is hard work, and there are NO short cuts to change. We by nature resist change, but the option to create and allow change is yours !

Coach
Gene Benedetto, Psychologist

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Take a Look at Yourself !

by on Feb.25, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE

Take Another Look at Yourself !

Alright, I admit I am on another rant. However, when a young lady I have been working with goes to a hospital for life-saving treatment, and says how well she was treated “this time” as compared to her previous visit when she was fresh off the streets, yes a homeless person, it makes me wonder about us as a people.

For sure, this time she was all cleaned up, not appearing in layered clothing as is typically the case for someone who must protect herself from the brutal Winters on the streets of New York, and her hair actually showed its natural color as it had been cleansed of the grime of back alleys.

I will accept that there may be a natural adverse reaction, a fear, when we see a person in such a condition, but what strikes me even deeper is that this is a child of only thirteen. Doesn’t that make you think twice ? As she shared how different everyone treated her now, even the nurses and doctors and aides, as much as I was happy for her present condition, I could feel some inner rage as I recalled just weeks ago when she was treated so poorly by those same persons.

Before, when she felt so alone and was trying to be so strong, she had to search for any tid-bit of support. She could hear professional people talking outside her hospital room about her condition, yet no one talked to her, except to make comments that were derogatory. Now, they were almost charming. The word “RESPECT” comes to mind, or the lack there of. But in reverse, I have a hard time drawing upon respect for those professionals who were so unable to show her respect.

Sadly, our “perceptions” of another are often clouded by misunderstanding, FEAR and maybe some bad experiences that taint our ability to see the other person as a person.
Believe me, I understand FEAR, but if we would take time to understand rather than avoid, we might not fear as much.

Maybe we need to take another look at ourselves !

What I have discovered about this child is that she is a bright, inquisitive, strong and vibrant young lady who due to no fault of her own, had become a kid of the streets, mostly to save herself from an abusive and mean mother, and an uncaring segment of society. With no one else to turn to, and in fear of a Social Service System woefully inadequate to help children, she carved out an existence on the streets to survive. I am excited to say we are now friends, and I thoroughly enjoy daily IM discussions with her as i try to teach, but also learn from her. I have developed a tremedous respect for her survival instincts, her independence, and yet her ability to still dream about a better life. I see more drive in her than I do many people I talk to who have experienced very little stress and conflict in comparison, especially when you consider her young age.

Some of my readers have shared their thoughts about this young lady as a result of previous articles I have written, and I want those of you who have to know I am sharing those uplifting notes with her. I will happily accept any other messages you may want to share with me or her, as feeling support is part of her healing.

By the way, she made a suggestion. When you see a homeless person, rather than flip them a few bucks, bye them a Big Mac and fries. Hey, if it’s a child, how about a Happy Meal . Such irony !

Coach

Gene Benedetto
Clinical Psychologist

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Left-Over Anxiety and Panic Symptoms

by on Feb.13, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD

Why are the Anxiety / Panic Symptoms Still  Happening ?

Not a week passes where I do not have at least one client return and express some frustration over the fact that although they have done what I asked in therapy, and even though they HAVE experienced a significant reduction in their anxiety / panic or OCD symptoms, there are still remnants of that anxiety that seem to be lasting.

Of course, one thing that this says is that, even though they feel much better, more in control, they are now less tolerant of any anxiety symptoms, most often for fear that they might come back full force.

However, what I find to be more of an issue  for these clients experiencing these continuing, but less intense symptoms, is that they have not taken that one additional step in therapy that is so crucial. They have not had enough experiences that give them evidence that they have truly faced the SOURCE of their symptoms. Oh yes, I know they realize what the sources of their symptoms are, as that is a primary goal of our therapy, but knowing the source and trusting that you will never fall back into old, sabotaging and avoidant behavior that caused your symptoms are two very very different animals.

I work to help clients change behaviors, realize that anxiety symptoms are most often caused by conflicts, issues and people they have and  most likely are still not dealing with in their lives. So, some anxiety symptoms, at a reduced frequency and intensity may linger – as a REMINDER – as not just a residue but a warning that without true effort to actually change old approval-seeking behaviors, you can easily slip back into situations that will cause you emotionally to feel out of control, and VULNERABLE.

So, a person’s anxiety and panic may be traced back to their habit of getting involved with abusive, controlling and manipulative men, and  then feeling stuck and trapped. So, once she finds the courage to break away from that caustic relationship, she may feel some relief in symptoms. But until she proves to herself, and thereby TRUSTS herself to never allow herself to fall prey to another harmful relationship, the anxiety will sustain  itself fueled by fear and the lack of trust in herself.

So she must not only understand why she has been attracted to such harmful interactions, but must see herself recognizing any signs or red flags early in her next dating situations and then must see herself pulling the plug rather than making excuses for the guys hurtful behaviors.

Panic and OCD tell me the client is feeling out of control and overwhelmed. Certainly they feel that way about the symptoms, but that is only the surface issue. The real issue is what the person feels out of control of in their life. You must see yourself recognizing AND taking control  of the causes if you truly wish to be without those anxiety, panic or OCD symptoms.

Coach

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist

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Fighting for Her Life !

by on Feb.06, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE

Fighting for Her Life !

I have written  before about this young lady of 13, going on 14, who has been a kid of the streets. { www.KidsOfTheStreet.com}  I say, has been, because due to a physician running a clinic in NYC, and a couple  who opened their arms to this child, she now has a chance at a life.

But of course, nothing comes easy in this world now, does it. It takes much energy to undo the ugliness and havoc  that some people in our society are able to create. The mother of this child, her only known parent, is in jail for her part in putting her own daughter at risk. And there are some professional people, some who present themselves as human, who are about to face consequences for what they did to take advantage of this child as she begged for food and shelter.

But again, now she has a few friends. A couple who have no children, whom I have had the pleasure to meet and get to know, and the doctor, and of course, myself. We have bonded with this child and our lives will be ever changed due to our our involvement.

However, I have watched this child deal with so many conflicts, so much  pain for someone who should just be playing with dolls and enjoying the warmth of a family and friends. She has struggled to understand  how parents can reject their own children. She has struggled with trusting me, because that means letting her guard down, throwing off the layers of protective clothing that shielded her somewhat from the elements in exchange for a real Winter coat, but even more so, the layers of toughness, of not needing anyone, for fear that allowing herself to trust would cause her to then be weak and vulnerable.

So it’s understandable, isn’t it, that she is in conflict, It makes sense that she might feel anxiety, panic, and surges of anger. Could you understand why at times she would just want to run back to the streets ?

Of course, being a victim of emotional and sexual abuse, on top of being abandoned by anyone she thought loved her causes her to feel unlovable, spoiled goods, and unworthy of anyone’s caring.

I got to know this child over a few months of chatting. She began to trust me and I held that trust as a very sacred vow to be there for her. I certainly felt anxious at times, not knowing what I would be able to do to help her. Once i knew her, I could not let her go to be a kid of the street again. I definitely have had some sleepless nights over this, but it is so worth it just to know this child.

I keep saying “child”, but in truth, she at times sounds like a most mature adult, I guess the streets can do that to you, especially when you have to think about where you will get your next bite of food daily, and where you might lie your head. I have learned some very important things from this young lady. She is like a reality check when you think we are a civilized people. I might add, that I would bet most of you reading this would be hard pressed to survive what she has.

Yet, her very survival is now in question. Not only her  being beaten by the elements during this rather severe Winter on the streets of NYC, but what adults have done to her emotionally, physically and sexually, she is now lying in intensive care, her fragile ninety pound body ravaged with infection.

We do not know if she will make it. I’s a fifty-fifty chance at best. But she did survive the night and i am writing this while at the same time waiting for an e-mail or IM updating me on her condition. I have prayed and i have cried, but it is all up to whether her body can renew itself with the help of antibiotics, but mostly, in my mind, whether she can be rallied by the love she has been shown by these two strangers who came to take her in, and hopefully what she knows i feel for her. It may be for the first time in her life, but she is loved.

Even that she has fought accepting. In fact, she has almost sabotaged that love by trying to push away those who offer it. Yes, again, in an effort to protect herself from feeling rejection, she would hardly make eye contact with those who have tried to show there are good people in this world. There are, aren’t there ? Her case has made me wonder !

But yesterday, there was a miracle of sorts. I had practically begged her to take a chance to touch the hand of the woman who would be her new mother in time. She fought me at first  and so I asked her, “ If I were to come there and meet you face to face, after all we have talked about together, would I get a hug ?” Well, since she has come to call me her pretend grandfather as of late, she had to think about it. While she hesitated, I said, “ I would ask your permission of course, and would be ok if you said no, but would be so happy is you said yes.” Now, she joked with me, reminding me that I was not a very “fluffy” grandfather, being a rather lean guy. But that told me there was an opening. She said, “ Well, if you asked, I might be able to accept a hug. No one ever asks me, they just always took what they wanted because I had no control.” Ah yes, CONTROL, the key word.

So, she then said, “as long as it is my idea to touch her hand {her caregiver, and want to be mother} I guess i could try”. So, while i was talking to the caregiving woman standing by the side of her bed, this child reached out and touched her, and then did it again. There were  smiles and tears for all three of us. And this 13 year old going on 14 said to me, “ It felt so good, and warm. I could feel the love, I could almost taste it.” We Struck Gold !!!

Just a few hours later, she was wheeled into intensive care due to the infections ravaging her body, but not before the man who wished to be her father fought  to have both of them stay by her side when she was moved. He stood his ground, and although knowing they are not parents yet, and in fact had not felt they had been accepted by her yet, said very firmly so the child could hear him, that this was their child, they loved her,  and she would have them by her side as they the doctors and nurses would be by the side of their own children. I would have loved to have been there to see the smile on my little friends face when she heard that. If that does not get her through all this, nothing will.

Please pray for her. She is in a fight for her life !

Coach

Gene Benedetto, Clinical Psychologist

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Sexually Abusive Males Victimizing Minors !

by on Feb.01, 2011, under Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia and OCD, STOPPING ABUSE

I have become somewhat obsessed with a very special young lady, previously a child who was homeless and  walking the streets of NYC. What this child of 13  experienced at the hands of mature adult men who took advantage of her vulnerability and search for food and shelter, is nothing less that criminal. I hope some day these “respectable” men with “respectful positions” in our society are faced with karma for their selfish, wicked , controlling and manipulative ways.

The positive outcome is that this young lady, due to her bravery and willingness to seek help and want to make something of her life took the chance to contact me  through my web site and subsequently go to a free clinic where she met one of the first men she could trust, the doctor who unselfishly  devotes a day a week to offering services to the kids of the street.

By the way, I do want to thank those of my Blog Readers who contacted me with offers to help this child. It is one thing to say that it is horrible to see these things happen in our society, but it is truly another to actually offer to help.

So, for this young lady, it was a huge risk she took, causing herself to be visible to the real outside world where she could have been thrown in Juvenile Detention as a runaway, which she really was not, since she left her home to protect herself from her abusive mother and a certain life worse than death as a prostitute. She is now in a foster home with a very good chance of being adopted by a very loving couple. I am so proud of this young lady…that i am lost for words. Well, maybe not totally lost as the whole idea that men, and yes, sometimes woman in our society, even parents, can abuse, molest and fail their own children just turns my stomach. When professional men in our society, with children of their own, can somehow justify sexually abusing other young  girls their own daughter’s age, can rationalize somehow that is is OK.

I DO believe in Karma, what goes around, comes around, but I also subscribe to the theory that God helps those who help themselves. I intend to help karma out a little in these cases when the time comes. How?….I am glad you asked !

I formed a group of eight professional people, two attorneys, two law enforcement personnel, two men of the cloth, and two psychiatrists  who act as my TEAM. When I hear of abuse, especially domestic abuse or abuse of a minor, I begin collecting data  and carefully  documenting the actions of the abuser. Most sexually and seriously emotionally abusive men are sociopaths, or are addicted to the abnormal controlling and manipulative ways. Following their behavior for a while, I am usually able to gather evidence of patterns for their sick behaviors.They cannot help themselves to not carrying out their immoral actions. They are addicted, you see. And because of their addictions, they will make mistakes. I just wait for that to happen !

In time, my team and I will make all the evidence and documentation available when the situations comes about  that the abuser makes a mistake as to whom he chooses as a victim. Eventually, he  does  make an error in judgement by thinking that each of his victims will be just too frightened to ever expose him. But in truth, one day he WILL be exposed by some brave soul, and my TEAM will be ready.

You may ask, why have a Team ? Again,i am so glad you asked !  Sociopathic, abusive, controlling and manipulative persons win because they frighten their victims with more abuse. The victim feels as if they stand alone against an un yielding and all-powerful force. One does not go up against this type of sociopathic personality one on one. So My Team  becomes the victims team. The TEAM is necessary, and the abuser is made aware that there IS such a team, because united we  win, divided we fall. In essence, I have been threatened by more than one abuser who has marked me as a target because i have come to the defense of one of his victims. However, by taking my time to collect evidence and documentation, by then sharing that data with my TEAM, and with the abuser being informed of what we are doing, we  will eventually grease the path of his karma. The abuser cannot win against a team of professionals that gather and prepare. It is always just a matter of time.

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