Dear Coach,

I am stuck ! I think my husband is a Narcissist and I feel I am trapped and cannot escape. We have two kids, 3 and 5 and his 9 year old lives with us because his ex is an alcoholic. I cannot believe my life.

I always had plans to work and I do have a degree in Library Sciences, but never worked. I have been so frustrated and anxious that I have put on so much weight, and my self-esteem is non-existent. I have no friends as I have home schooled the children due to Covid and could not afford Day-Care.

But he puts me down all the time, yells, screams and calls me names because I have let myself go with my weight. Since he works from home in sales, he uses one of the bedrooms as his office and is on the phone from 9 to 6. He says he won’t and cannot help with the kids, as that is my job. I have walked in on him and have caught him talking to somebody called Maria, and when I ask him, he says it is none of my business.

I am trapped!

N.C.

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Dear Trapped,

You are not going to resolve this overnight, and we know you will never change him, SO, you have to work on yourself first, which is under your control.

If he truly is a narcissist, or even a sociopath, you cannot do this alone. You need to :

1] Create a Support Team of people you can talk to, confide in and who can offer you support. That might include a supportive family member, a close friend or two, a Therapist {I can help you with that Pro-Bono}, and eventually an attorney.

2] You need to know what steps you have to take to add to your studies to make yourself more eligible for a job in Library Sciences. Educate yourself as to what options exist with your Library Science degree.

3] Work on your self-esteem which sounds like it needs a big boost, maybe first by working on the weight issue you mentioned. You will be surprised at the physical and emotional energy you will feel with the loss of weight, which will also give you a sense of control in your life. Again, checking in with the members of your Support Team to muster up some feedback and much needed confidence,

4] Save notes and gather recordings of some of your husbands mean comments and rants. You can use this info to show a pattern.

5] Try not to react to his nasty comments, realizing he loves control, and it will drive him to make more mistakes if he sees he is losing some control over you.

6] This will take time, but when you have a plan and you are building self esteem and pride and have support, you will be building for a better future while your younger children get a little older and you have more options for their care, i.e., they will be in school.

7] I just finished working with a mother of two, who knew when her kids were the age of your younger ones, that she had made a huge mistake marrying a narcissist. But she took her time to build a career in writing for women’s magazines, and became self-supportive. She took advantage of the time she had and realized she had skills that she never thought about, and became self-supportive with a little help from some very supportive family and friends.

And I have worked with a previously homeless child turned adult who used her experiences to run programs and write books and articles and eventually obtained a position as a Legal Assistant and then an Attorney . She turned her dangerous and draining life day to day, into a career.

I would be happy to be a Support Person for you during your metamorphosis from a caterpillar into a butterfly.

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/Emeritus