Afraid to Be Myself..

by | Jan 17, 2022 | Overcoming Challenges, Self Esteem | 0 comments

Coach, I have gone through my share of adjustments to life, including the loss of my husband a few years ago, but I felt I always managed. I kept my self busy with friends and family, including the grandkids who I enjoy watching often. I enjoyed people and doing things for them and with them.

But that has seemed to change when I had some physical health problems and especially when a prospective foot surgery was proposed and I imagined being crippled or limited in my ability to get around. Then it was my shoulder with arthritis that was holding me back. That is when I felt so much anxiety and depression that a psychiatrist started me on meds and I had to go into an in-patient mental health facility to make adjustments with those meds under supervision That was a daunting experience and I think it made things worse. I felt so out of control of my life. The Psychiatrist has been tweaking my my meds, but I do not feel like myself anymore.

Then the meds that were to help, made me feel even worse…..actually they caused me not to feel anything. Nothing I did was fun anymore…I just went through the motions.

Somewhere I got hooked on the the idea that if I do all that did before all the physical stuff happened, I will get worse. I am afraid to be myself. I am paralyzed with fear.

Dee

Dee,

This happens a lot after a person faces their worst fear, of being out of control. You were overwhelmed by the physical things you were going through, and many people are. It takes the wind out of your sails to go through health crises and then, when we dwell, our fears grow and can take over, draining you of energy and causing you to avoid stretching your wings once more. That leads, in many cases, to even more weakness and physical/ emotional atrophy. You lost faith in yourself ! Now, knowing you from past discussions, I see you as being a very free-spirited personality type, really quite independent. Even the death of your spouse, although keenly felt and hurtful, did not stop the Peter Pan side of you. You persevered through all that because you still had your own personal experiences in life that were your tools to accomplish more. But once you started experiencing physical health issues, you, for the first time, experienced the loss of that magical fairy dust that allowed you to fly. You felt vulnerable !

However, you never lost the ability to emotionally fly, even if you limp once in a while, or feel pain in your shoulder or knee when you make to sharp a turn on one of your ventures. If you create more ventures, even though you may have to make adjustments, you can still do things and let the negative thoughts wither and have less of your attention.

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist/Emeritus/Coach


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